Twitter has me hooked. What I thought was simply just meaningless drivel showed me a wealth of information and knowledge that Twitter holds. Topics from writing to photography offer tips, suggestions, advice, and even ways to communicate with those who are already pros in their field. I can also practice Japanese, in short 140 character tweets. Sometimes I will check English for native Japanese speakers, and they will respond by checking my Japanese. Easy, quick, and free.
People can follow subjects by typing "#" in front of a keyword. For example, #japanese or #writing or #photography. As I learn more about Twitter, find new followers and discover new topics of interest, one important topic usually sits in my "following" categories: divorce. Particularly the effects on children.
What I've come to find is that many parents are twittering (or tweeting or twitting) about the possible effects of divorce on their children - often in ways to ease nerves and guilt. Anyone who knows me well knows this is a passionate subject of mine, and so many of the shared tweets are actually ignorant and further exacerbate the problems of divorce pertaining to children.
As for why I bring this up: I am an adult child of divorce. My parents got separated and subsequently divorced when I was twelve. My entire adolescence was ridden with emotional angst, fears and insecurities that I didn't fully realize until I was nineteen. Consequently, I researched divorce and its effects on children. Though there isn't a lot of research out there right now, I probably own every book that has been published on the subject. My major was Social Sciences and thus learned more about families, child and adolescent development, and family crises. My opinions aren't biased from experience; I back up everything I say with credible sources and research. This subject is one that has yet to be completely publicized, and it is my hope that this may help in some way.
The fact of the matter is, divorce is traumatic. For everyone involved. I doubt anyone who has gone through one or is going through one would deny that. The only time divorce may be less traumatic is if it's a high-conflict or abusive situation. Most of the articles I've ever read about divorce are written by parents for parents, and usually take the tone of "your kids will be fine, and here's why," with a list that lacks any real evidence or academic research.
Kids are not fine. Most people may know of the research about how some kids may go on to commit crime or drop out of school, and the social scientist in me would go further with that to say other factors in their life also influence those choices. However, what about the kids who "seem" fine? The kids who are usually happy, have friends, get straight A's, do well at sports or art or music? What about those seemingly well-adjusted kids?
First of all, the age of the child at the time of divorce will have some effect on how they respond to it. So will personality and numerous external factors. Not every child will respond the same way. External factors can increase or decrease the risk of issues.
Second, children lack the brain development to completely understand the situation and subsequently grieve completely. Though they may be sad or act out, their brains are unable to comprehend everything surrounding the divorce, and in that sense, the emotions and feelings surrounding it "go to sleep" in their minds. This is what researcher Judith Wallerstein calls "the sleeper effect." Whatever issues or hurt the child may have towards the divorce won't appear completely until they are older and capable of processing the events. Once they realize and are aware of these issues, the feelings that surface will often feel fresh and new as if the event just happened recently. Some people never realize how their parents' divorce (or any past event) affects them, and go through life carrying the same issues and hurt without ever dealing with it.
Third, divorce is a kind ambiguous loss. The child loses their family structure. Oftentimes this means losing one of the parents. If that parent leaves completely, or is only partially involved or sees their children some of the time, it creates an ambiguity that perpetuates the grieving cycle. If a parent were to die, however, the loss would be perceived as permanent, and the child would be able to properly grieve over time (this doesn't mean it hurts more or less, just that the grieving process can actually happen). Children of divorce always have a feeling of ambiguity because their parent could appear at any time, even if they haven't seen that parent for most of their lives. They aren't truly gone, at least not in a way that they can process and grieve over.
Children of divorce can and do experience many negative effects, depending on their personality, external factors, severity of divorce and the kind of relationship their parents had before, during and after the divorce, as well as their parenting style. For example, perhaps a child seems well-adjusted. They do well at school, they play sports, they have some friends, and they seem like a normal child. This same child may start to exhibit behaviors depending on their situation, especially in adolescence. If the father is uninvolved, or the child feels unloved, they may seek out this kind of male attention in other ways. Perhaps among coaches or teachers, or among their peers (which happens often). They may become physically and sexually involved with their peers at an earlier age due to a lack of love and affection that they are so desperately wanting. Their romantic relationships may be ridden with insecurity and codependent tendencies.
They may be driven toward perfectionism, in relationships and in things they do, to feed their need for positive attention and affirmation. Their ability to take on responsibility at a young age causes them to grow up faster, and put more strain and stress on themselves in what they do. Their inability to have good relationships may drive them to victim cycles, which are perpetuated every time they are (inevitably) hurt by their peers. The cycle continues, as they push themselves to be more and more of a victim in hopes that someone will validate their hurts and help them.
They may become controlling in order to control every situation around them so nothing ends badly. They may become manipulative of people in certain circumstances to get what they want, especially in romantic situations or encounters with the opposite sex. If they are in a romantic relationship, they may either shut themselves away and not open up at all to the other person, or they may become codependent and clingy, essentially driving the other person away in their efforts to keep them from doing so in the first place.
Most children and adolescents are unaware that they are hurting due to their parents' divorce, or even what they may be missing and wanting from their parents. This is due to the "sleeper effect." These cycles then continue into adulthood and affect many, if not all, aspects of their lives. It doesn't mean they aren't still high-achievers, since they appear to be well-adjusted adults. However, they lack the ability to have healthy romantic relationships (and sometimes even just friendships). Their codependent tendencies will effectively ruin many of their relationships. Playing victim will exhaust and chase away many people, furthering their victim cycle.
These are just some examples. Children respond differently, and a parents' divorce will not affect every child in the exact same way. Furthermore, many of these issues and tendencies can surface due to other events or even just specific parenting styles. Some children from non-divorced homes may exhibit many of the same behaviors. Also, some couples have what researchers call an "emotional divorce" - they are still together, perhaps for the kids, but emotionally distant and act as if they aren't married.
I am not saying parents should simply "stay together for the kids." This is ultimately counter-productive. My main encouragement is to do everything possible to work through the issues couples are experiencing, get counseling, do everything they absolutely can to try and help their marriage. Aside this, I would strongly encourage anyone about to get married to heavily consider who they are marrying. Talk about a variety of issues and topics. Try pre-marital counseling. Get to know the person completely before you marry them. I realize that marriage allows you to know a person even more, but I think a lot of the marital problems that exist today either stem from marrying someone who isn't right in the first place, or, more probable, the issues one or both spouses carry from their own past limit their ability to effectively communicate and fully love each other.
However, even after all of that, if a couple still decides to get divorced, or if they already are (and have children), kids may not be ok, but that doesn't mean they can't be. The first step is awareness and acknowledgment of hurt. Adult children of divorce have to first see how events in their past have affected them. Secondly, they must grieve. Sadness, anger, and all of the grieving processes are essentially the same. The only way to move forward is to allow those emotions to surface. Offering forgiveness is essential - because if the adult child of divorce cannot express forgiveness, they will stay stuck in the grieving process.
Seeking out counseling may be helpful for some, as could reading books written by and/or for adult children of divorce. Writing or keeping a journal can be helpful to process thoughts and emotions. Having support in some way is extremely helpful, although not everyone always does (sometimes because they've chased everyone away unintentionally), and being able to process with someone who is willing to listen (not the parents though) can be helpful.
I did a variety of these things and it took me about three years to go through the entire grieving process. Even after, some things still acted as triggers and I had to deal with each specific trigger as it appeared. Even getting engaged and married brought about a variety of triggers and conflicted feelings that are common to adult children of divorce. I'm fortunate to have a great husband who has known me for years and watched me go through the healing process (though we weren't together at that time). He understands how the divorce affected me and is very patient when those triggers surface. It also helps that he comes from a stable home.
In summary, there is always hope. Kids will not be fine after a divorce, but that doesn't mean they can't be.
Resources:
The Unexpected Legacy of Divorce: A 25 Year Landmark Study by Judith Wallerstein
Between Two Worlds: The Inner Lives of Children of Divorce by Elizabeth Marquardt
Generation Ex: Adult Children of Divorce and the Healing of Our Pain by Jen Abbas
Codependent No More: How to Stop Controlling Others and Start Caring for Yourself by Melody Beattie
Ambiguous Loss: Learning to Live with Unresolved Grief by Pauline Boss
Growing Up Divorced: For Adults Who Once Suffered the Trauma of Their Parents' Divorce by Archibald D. Hart
Adult Children of Legal or Emotional Divorce: Healing Your Long Term Hurt by Jim Conway
Showing posts with label Health. Show all posts
Showing posts with label Health. Show all posts
Monday, April 19, 2010
Sunday, March 22, 2009
From Old to New
These days, I don't feel like myself. Maybe that is the point.
My health issues have constantly plagued me, engaging me in some kind of internal battle on a daily basis. Some days, I win; but more often than not, the issues win. Fatigue, low-energy, and various other ailments I have had the past two years. So far, with all the doctors and supposed "experts" I have seen, nothing has been resolved. I thought to just ignore it for the time being when I got to Japan - to figure out what to do later. It seems that ignoring it was a bad idea, as I have felt so much worse since I arrived.
About a week ago, I was feeling particularly bad, with intense off-and-on abdominal pain, in my liver area. Of course, since I have had Hepatitis A, I became quite worried about it and for about 24 hours watched my fat intake just in case. My eyes were also looking kind of funny the few days before that and so I was hoping I wasn't getting jaundice or something again. Well, then Saturday evening, as I'm typing away on IM to David as usual, suddenly I became incredibly light-headed. I had an urge to vomit almost, so I ran to the bathroom. Nothing happened, but my body started shaking uncontrollably and a wave of icy coldness overcame me. I stumbled back to my computer to tell David I wasn't feeling well all of the sudden... and was growing worse by the second. I was panicking, not knowing what was happening or what I should do, and David was afraid I might suddenly pass out, so he helpfully began calling people I knew that might be able to take me to the hospital... well this to no avail at that point in time so I tried my sempai (another ALT who kind of "looks after" new ALTs). I knew she had a car so I thought it might work, and sure enough she answered immediately and said she would come get me after she picked up her car (she had gone to Tokyo that day).
Well while I was sitting there waiting, and David checking to make sure I hadn't passed out, I thought what if my blood sugar is low, and proceeded to drink 3/4 carton of apple juice. I started to feel a bit better, and when my sempai picked me up she gave me a lollipop, which revived me quite quickly... though I was still having abdominal pain.
We go to the hospital in Fukuroi, where they tell us to go to another hospital in the city next to Fukuroi. So we headed there and waited for about an hour or so in the waiting room. Of course, I ended up having to call David so he could talk to the reception guys, since they didn't seem to understand me even though I kept pointing to my abdomen and telling them (in Japanese) that I had pain there.
When we finally saw the ER doctor, he briefly tapped my abdomen and then ordered a CT scan. I was surprised that was all he did...
I'm no stranger to CT scans since I've had one before, and I really don't enjoy them, but it turned out better than I thought because they didn't have to give me the imaging fluid I had in the states. After waiting for awhile, again, the doctor called us in and pointed out everything on my scan was normal. Then he pointed to my intestines and said "constipation" and my sempai, started cracking up hysterically... Of course I am trying to keep a straight face, and since I also knew the pain I was having was not constipation since I know what that feels like (and please, I'm sure you all do). Then he said "very much stool, very much stool" and kept repeating it, as my sempai is laughing her head off and says "Ashley, all you need to do is take a crap..." to which of course I had to laugh, so I'm trying to tell the doctor my pain isn't constipation while I'm laughing, my sempai is laughing, and he continues to repeat "very much stool."
Finally I asked to have a blood test done when I told him about my drastic blood sugar crash that evening. They took my blood, and we waited, again, for quite some time. As we were waiting, the receptionist guys started saying something about my supervisor coming, but I wasn't sure if they were asking me if that was ok or telling me. I said no, she didn't need to come, but again they didn't understand my Japanese I think. We heard clicking heels from around the corner and knew she had arrived. She probably thought I was dying and I really didn't want to worry her...
So then the doctor explained to all of us, that all my blood tests were normal. He said my blood sugar levels were normal, though I pointed out I had just drank a 3/4 carton of apple juice, a vitamin water, and eaten a lollipop. He seemed to think that didn't matter even though, of course it does. So then I dropped that, since I knew I wouldn't get anywhere with it, and instead starting talking about all my prior issues and what's been wrong with me (since my supervisor was there to translate). However, this ended up with me in tears as he kept saying nothing was wrong, and I even pointed out that I have not been able to gain weight in 2 years... to which they both thought that meant I wanted to get fat. "You want to get fat?" "No, I want to know that I can weight if I tried." "So, you want to get fat?" "NO. I want to be able to gain weight." "So you want to get fat?" ..............
The doctor then explained that my fat level is perfectly normal for the average, 23-year-old, Japanese woman. My lip curled up ever so slightly as I responded... "but I'm not Japanese..." This did not seem to phase the man at all, so I pulled the sleeve of my arm up to reveal my bony wrist, waving it in the air as I exclaimed "look at how bony my wrist is! Look! Look!" Again, no expression crossed his face as he replied "Ok, ok." (meaning, it is ok, normal, fine, why am I waving my arm around frantically...) At this point I was near tears, exhausted and exasperated by the entire night, so I jumped up and flipped down the waist band to my pants (which I think shocked both my supervisor and the doctor), pointed to my hips, (which are also quite bony, and jut out as if to try and convince, at least Americans, that I am near anorexic), and said "LOOK! Look at my hips! Do you see how bony they are?" Again, he calmly reassured me I was fine. I slowly sat down again, crying because my abnormalities were not apparent to this supposed expert. He finally asked, (as I am trying to stop crying) if I wanted a laxative to take home, to which I responded with a resounding no. Probably more than anything to protest his diagnosis. He then proceeded to ask the same question 3 times, to which my "no" became stronger and more defiant. I realize it was somewhat juvenile, it was just a laxative after all... but I am not a big fan of them anyway since they can mess up your system, and mine is already having issues.
I visited a doctor this past week after the ER, who supposedly specialized in internal medicine. When I arrived however, and gave her my extensive explanation of all my issues and all the things I had done to figure out what was wrong the past 2 years, she told me she was a Cardiologist and really wasn't sure what was wrong. She mentioned something about a skin issue, although I'm not sure where that came from since I am not having any skin issues. To her credit, she's a very nice lady and tried her best to help me, I actually ended up taking home a bag of hatsuga genmai (sprouted brown rice) for free when I saw her last time. She claimed it worked miracles for her when she has had problems before (though nothing like what I was talking about). Then I realized later at home the brown rice I had been eating WAS hatsuga genmai - it is the only kind of brown rice I can find at the store. It has some special amino acid in it: GABA. The doctor had explained GABA has anti-stress effects; it is very calming - but in my preliminary research I have found that this anti-stress effect is actually more of a sedative... Considering I'm tired all the time, not sure how great that is for me...
With these things, and other things that have been happening, I've recently realized how much I am struggling to figure out this new self and new life, as opposed to being my old self in my old life. Just with life changes, normal adjustments, particularly in a completely different place, is really forcing me to come to terms with these things and at the same time, bringing up things on a more magnified scale for me to address. They can be easier to ignore when they are the norm in every aspect of your life, including your relationships with others, but in a completely different life, you realize they aren't a norm. I realize it is a bit vague, but it could be different for everyone, maybe tendencies or habits you have, how you react to others and what they do, how you make decisions, or how much or little you function on feelings/emotions or rational thought.
In other news, the school year has ended here at Fukuroi High School. We are now on spring break so I try to keep myself entertained at work. The new school year, and seeing all those bright and shiny faces of new students, will begin April 7th. This weekend I'm meeting David in Tokyo for a few days, to take care of various things, and the cherry blossoms are all out and about now so if I actually remember to bring my camera, I will take pictures. We don't seem to have any blossomy trees in my city so things still look a bit lifeless, although some things have been blooming... and yes, the bugs are back. In fact I've already killed two mosquitoes in my apartment just this weekend (what with our 70 degree weather...). Of course now it went back to low 60's... and supposed to be in the 50's this week, but at least I'm not in freezing cold Washington.
Anyway, so, no I don't feel as much like myself. I'm somewhere between an old self and a new self, with of course, real parts of myself intact somewhere within. Though it feels stressful and at times discrepant, like I said, maybe that's a good thing.
My health issues have constantly plagued me, engaging me in some kind of internal battle on a daily basis. Some days, I win; but more often than not, the issues win. Fatigue, low-energy, and various other ailments I have had the past two years. So far, with all the doctors and supposed "experts" I have seen, nothing has been resolved. I thought to just ignore it for the time being when I got to Japan - to figure out what to do later. It seems that ignoring it was a bad idea, as I have felt so much worse since I arrived.
About a week ago, I was feeling particularly bad, with intense off-and-on abdominal pain, in my liver area. Of course, since I have had Hepatitis A, I became quite worried about it and for about 24 hours watched my fat intake just in case. My eyes were also looking kind of funny the few days before that and so I was hoping I wasn't getting jaundice or something again. Well, then Saturday evening, as I'm typing away on IM to David as usual, suddenly I became incredibly light-headed. I had an urge to vomit almost, so I ran to the bathroom. Nothing happened, but my body started shaking uncontrollably and a wave of icy coldness overcame me. I stumbled back to my computer to tell David I wasn't feeling well all of the sudden... and was growing worse by the second. I was panicking, not knowing what was happening or what I should do, and David was afraid I might suddenly pass out, so he helpfully began calling people I knew that might be able to take me to the hospital... well this to no avail at that point in time so I tried my sempai (another ALT who kind of "looks after" new ALTs). I knew she had a car so I thought it might work, and sure enough she answered immediately and said she would come get me after she picked up her car (she had gone to Tokyo that day).
Well while I was sitting there waiting, and David checking to make sure I hadn't passed out, I thought what if my blood sugar is low, and proceeded to drink 3/4 carton of apple juice. I started to feel a bit better, and when my sempai picked me up she gave me a lollipop, which revived me quite quickly... though I was still having abdominal pain.
We go to the hospital in Fukuroi, where they tell us to go to another hospital in the city next to Fukuroi. So we headed there and waited for about an hour or so in the waiting room. Of course, I ended up having to call David so he could talk to the reception guys, since they didn't seem to understand me even though I kept pointing to my abdomen and telling them (in Japanese) that I had pain there.
When we finally saw the ER doctor, he briefly tapped my abdomen and then ordered a CT scan. I was surprised that was all he did...
I'm no stranger to CT scans since I've had one before, and I really don't enjoy them, but it turned out better than I thought because they didn't have to give me the imaging fluid I had in the states. After waiting for awhile, again, the doctor called us in and pointed out everything on my scan was normal. Then he pointed to my intestines and said "constipation" and my sempai, started cracking up hysterically... Of course I am trying to keep a straight face, and since I also knew the pain I was having was not constipation since I know what that feels like (and please, I'm sure you all do). Then he said "very much stool, very much stool" and kept repeating it, as my sempai is laughing her head off and says "Ashley, all you need to do is take a crap..." to which of course I had to laugh, so I'm trying to tell the doctor my pain isn't constipation while I'm laughing, my sempai is laughing, and he continues to repeat "very much stool."
Finally I asked to have a blood test done when I told him about my drastic blood sugar crash that evening. They took my blood, and we waited, again, for quite some time. As we were waiting, the receptionist guys started saying something about my supervisor coming, but I wasn't sure if they were asking me if that was ok or telling me. I said no, she didn't need to come, but again they didn't understand my Japanese I think. We heard clicking heels from around the corner and knew she had arrived. She probably thought I was dying and I really didn't want to worry her...
So then the doctor explained to all of us, that all my blood tests were normal. He said my blood sugar levels were normal, though I pointed out I had just drank a 3/4 carton of apple juice, a vitamin water, and eaten a lollipop. He seemed to think that didn't matter even though, of course it does. So then I dropped that, since I knew I wouldn't get anywhere with it, and instead starting talking about all my prior issues and what's been wrong with me (since my supervisor was there to translate). However, this ended up with me in tears as he kept saying nothing was wrong, and I even pointed out that I have not been able to gain weight in 2 years... to which they both thought that meant I wanted to get fat. "You want to get fat?" "No, I want to know that I can weight if I tried." "So, you want to get fat?" "NO. I want to be able to gain weight." "So you want to get fat?" ..............
The doctor then explained that my fat level is perfectly normal for the average, 23-year-old, Japanese woman. My lip curled up ever so slightly as I responded... "but I'm not Japanese..." This did not seem to phase the man at all, so I pulled the sleeve of my arm up to reveal my bony wrist, waving it in the air as I exclaimed "look at how bony my wrist is! Look! Look!" Again, no expression crossed his face as he replied "Ok, ok." (meaning, it is ok, normal, fine, why am I waving my arm around frantically...) At this point I was near tears, exhausted and exasperated by the entire night, so I jumped up and flipped down the waist band to my pants (which I think shocked both my supervisor and the doctor), pointed to my hips, (which are also quite bony, and jut out as if to try and convince, at least Americans, that I am near anorexic), and said "LOOK! Look at my hips! Do you see how bony they are?" Again, he calmly reassured me I was fine. I slowly sat down again, crying because my abnormalities were not apparent to this supposed expert. He finally asked, (as I am trying to stop crying) if I wanted a laxative to take home, to which I responded with a resounding no. Probably more than anything to protest his diagnosis. He then proceeded to ask the same question 3 times, to which my "no" became stronger and more defiant. I realize it was somewhat juvenile, it was just a laxative after all... but I am not a big fan of them anyway since they can mess up your system, and mine is already having issues.
I visited a doctor this past week after the ER, who supposedly specialized in internal medicine. When I arrived however, and gave her my extensive explanation of all my issues and all the things I had done to figure out what was wrong the past 2 years, she told me she was a Cardiologist and really wasn't sure what was wrong. She mentioned something about a skin issue, although I'm not sure where that came from since I am not having any skin issues. To her credit, she's a very nice lady and tried her best to help me, I actually ended up taking home a bag of hatsuga genmai (sprouted brown rice) for free when I saw her last time. She claimed it worked miracles for her when she has had problems before (though nothing like what I was talking about). Then I realized later at home the brown rice I had been eating WAS hatsuga genmai - it is the only kind of brown rice I can find at the store. It has some special amino acid in it: GABA. The doctor had explained GABA has anti-stress effects; it is very calming - but in my preliminary research I have found that this anti-stress effect is actually more of a sedative... Considering I'm tired all the time, not sure how great that is for me...
With these things, and other things that have been happening, I've recently realized how much I am struggling to figure out this new self and new life, as opposed to being my old self in my old life. Just with life changes, normal adjustments, particularly in a completely different place, is really forcing me to come to terms with these things and at the same time, bringing up things on a more magnified scale for me to address. They can be easier to ignore when they are the norm in every aspect of your life, including your relationships with others, but in a completely different life, you realize they aren't a norm. I realize it is a bit vague, but it could be different for everyone, maybe tendencies or habits you have, how you react to others and what they do, how you make decisions, or how much or little you function on feelings/emotions or rational thought.
In other news, the school year has ended here at Fukuroi High School. We are now on spring break so I try to keep myself entertained at work. The new school year, and seeing all those bright and shiny faces of new students, will begin April 7th. This weekend I'm meeting David in Tokyo for a few days, to take care of various things, and the cherry blossoms are all out and about now so if I actually remember to bring my camera, I will take pictures. We don't seem to have any blossomy trees in my city so things still look a bit lifeless, although some things have been blooming... and yes, the bugs are back. In fact I've already killed two mosquitoes in my apartment just this weekend (what with our 70 degree weather...). Of course now it went back to low 60's... and supposed to be in the 50's this week, but at least I'm not in freezing cold Washington.
Anyway, so, no I don't feel as much like myself. I'm somewhere between an old self and a new self, with of course, real parts of myself intact somewhere within. Though it feels stressful and at times discrepant, like I said, maybe that's a good thing.
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