journey on

Sitting on the shinkansen (bullet train), staring out the window, as Fuji-san comes into view, trees, rivers and buildings blurring by in the foreground. I've witnessed foreigners jump up in excitement enough times, leaning over Japanese folks in the window seats, shoving their cameras against the glass. Strangely enough, Japanese people often do the same, although they are more subtle, and don't crawl into people's laps just to snap a photo - but I'll hear gasps and exclamations as they pull out their camera phones and snap away.


Fuji-san represents Japan, in all its glory. Even I, homegrown in the Pacific Northwest - home to some of the most majestic mountains in the world - feel a sense of awe when I see it. Mt. Rainier always captures me with its booming voice - a beast of a mountain that presides over everything around. Rainier feels wild and untamed, a mountain boasting its splendor. Mt. Baker is friendly - smiling over Whatcom County, shining on those few sunny days - inviting everyone to come out and play. Its presence is familiar, understandable, and trustworthy. The other volcanic mountains of Washington all have their own characteristics and feelings they provoke. Yet none capture the essence that Fuji-san offers, (likewise, Fuji will never be a beastly mountain like Rainier). Its song is subdued, melancholy, and humble, much like the traditional behavior and culture in Japan. The Japanese consider Fuji-san sacred. So I see Fuji, and I feel Japan - its heart. Those feelings sometimes become something I can't distinguish from what I feel - they are fast becoming ingrained in my understanding of Japan and the world.

History. Culture. Post-modernism. Japan was what it was and now is what it is, as it continues to change - holding onto parts of itself in the process, but allowing other parts to adapt, or being forced to simply because of the pace of this world. Japan is often accused of not keeping up, of not changing or adapting relations, or ways of thought. This is evident. Is it not understandable? When we are hit with change, with circumstances that force or require us to change, we often resist, hoping to hang on to the things that we think we are and define our identity. We don't always want to let go.

My time in Japan is fast approaching two years. My Japanese is improving, as it has suddenly taken hold as never before. My eyes and heart are seeing things even more clearly than those first days - taking in situations and events, looking at them through my Western eyes, but putting them through an Eastern view, a Japanese view, and adjusting, learning. I learn to distinguish, what equals culture and what equals humanity. What does it mean to be Japanese, or American. What does it mean to be human.

I never felt called to go overseas when I was young. There was never a pull or draw for me other than travel or perhaps school. Japan wasn't on my radar. Meeting my husband changed all of that, but coming to Japan changed even more. Meeting precious youth, learning their stories, feeling their pain. Realizing that my heart for children is the same no matter where I am, no matter what these darlings look like or act like - I still love them dearly. Seeing loneliness, heartache, and despair on a daily basis. Hopelessness. Helplessness. The feelings of people, of humans, who just want something meaningful -  want to be loved and appreciated. Want to know they can reveal who they are as humans, without fear of shame or rejection. People who feel the same feelings I have felt, even though we've grown up across an ocean, we connect over those very basic emotions and events that make us human.

I'm not Japanese. I didn't grow up in Japan, like my husband. Japan is part of who he is. Yet, my life here, though short, has influenced me in ways that every other place I've ever lived has. Parts of Japanese society have found their way into my psyche, causing me to look at things much more than simply my own Western lens, one in which I've always known. My most significant life events thus far have happened in Japan - becoming engaged and married. I've met wonderful people and made friends who mean as much to me as anyone in the States. Though I'm a foreigner, and though I often live in a bubble - in between the two - I feel that Japan is now part of me. It's part of who I am. If I ever were to leave, that would stay with me forever. I can't erase the changes. I've allowed myself to be open to Japan, allowing it to speak to me, listening to the voices of people - voices that aren't always audible or said, but voices I hear just the same. This is Japan, and this is my home. Just like Seattle, Bellingham and Montana before it. Places that are part of who I am and who I've become.

Sometimes, it's hard. It's hard to let go of the past - of those relationships that were once so dear. But so many fall away. This stage I'm in, I'm adjusting to Japan. My mind knows it's a place we'll be, at least for a little while. So I'm letting go of before. I'm letting go of the ties that bind me so closely to the U.S. - the ties that won't let me move much farther. The connections will always be there, they will always be a part of me and who I am. I know and realize more and more that being American is such a part of me, but I also realize more and more how I don't really belong, truly, to any one nationality. I know I'm American, but I know my identity is found in much more than that. In Japan I'm a foreigner, and that and being American go hand in hand here. So, a bubble - but to me that's a good place to be. I'm neither here nor there, but I'm in the place I need to be, in the moment I need to be in. Hanging on to the past has me tethered.

Not anymore. 

Cutting ropes is the only way to go forward, to live the life I'm meant to live, to change and become who I'm meant to be. Though I'm slowly becoming part of Japan, I also sense myself slowly becoming less a part of the U.S. I'm not who I was when I got on that plane almost two years ago, in fact, I'm surprised to remember her. Even from a year ago, I am different. Marriage has had a hand in that too. So much of who I am and was has been weeded out, changed, and adjusted - but for the better, or just differently. It wasn't surprising; I already knew it would happen.  I knew, as I strapped in and watched the Seattle skyline shrink and disappear, that I had left myself behind.


*all photos taken with my iPhone

the art of summer, pigeon courtship and riding a mama-chari

So, what's happened in the past month? What is happening in the daily Japanese life of me?

Well, Spring warmed up. A lot. As in, straight to mid/upper 70's (mid 20's in Celsius). David (my husband) and I basked in sunshine over Golden Week, at a BBQ, Wisteria Festival, Shimada Central Park, and the various other places we found ourselves. My translucent-looking skin finally met the sun again, and they reminisced as usual, without the redness. And just before Golden Week, I got a part-time job, teaching English and going to English type events (where they want a native speaker). It's a great opportunity, flexible hours and schedule, and a good way to continue interacting with kids and adults, as I had to quit JET a few months ago.

Then, during Golden Week, another part-time job fell into my lap. This one has to do with a website known as expatwomen.com. This also is a fantastic opportunity, and ironic it just appeared. For anyone trying to market themselves, get on Twitter. Do it.

Though the cherry blossoms are now gone, the wisteria were in full bloom during Golden Week, and we managed to experience them on the last day of the Wisteria Festival in Fujieda.

Their appearance is akin to rain, though flowers, just draping themselves over support structures. People can walk underneath them, and how magical it is.

Wisteria soft cream was also served during the festival, which I tried before (it is rather hard to explain the taste of floral ice cream), but as we went again on the last day of the festival, they were already sold out.

After two quick days between Golden Week and the weekend, David and I hopped on the train straight down to the peninsula in Aichi prefecture, next to Shizuoka. We stayed at a hotel on a cliff in Irago, overlooking the Pacific Ocean. The view was gorgeous, and the onsen/spa at the hotel was quite new and modern, with giant windows overlooking the best view, including one large outdoor bath that looks like an infinity pool. Our first night, I sat in the outdoor bath, watching the sunset.

When I was planning this trip, my goal was to find a decent, affordable hotel, with private baths and possibly a beach. (Or mountains, but all those hotels were booked already). Usually, I check a map and make sure there are things like food and a convenience store (conbini) near by. However, when I looked at the map, it seemed as if these things were near enough to the hotel, and David and I could just use the rental bicycles to get to such places.

After our buffet breakfast Saturday morning, we went out to get our rental bikes, otherwise known as mama-chari. I've never ridden a mama-chari before, but at least my bike had a 3-speed gear, though we never did figure out how it worked. It also had a bell, as typical, and since my cross bike doesn't have a bell, I happily began dinging it while trying to stay in a straight line on the bulky granny bike that was so much harder to control. David, ended up with a bike with no gears, an older model, and looked somewhat like a man trying to ride a kid's bike, because of the bike's small size. So, he glared, and I dinged the bell repeatedly and laughed, as we went flying down the hill from the hotel (my mind did not yet realize we would have to come back UP this hill).

We went down the main path and continued on a road, surrounded by farms, wind power generators, and more farms. Lynden, Washington instantly came to mind, as I had not yet seen so many farms in one place in Japan. The smell of manure was much more apparent, and we even rode past a cow barn, something I rarely see here. The bike ride continued for another 25-30 minutes, when David mentioned something about having biked five kilometers. We were both quite tired of constantly pedaling on our mama-chari, moving three times slower than accustomed to on our "real" bikes. So before we got anywhere near "town" as I had hoped we'd get to, for food, we stopped at a conbini for some snacks (and though I had a feeling we should buy some food for lunch, pushed it aside thinking we could surely find food elsewhere). Then, back we went, into the wind and stink of manure, ducking the giant flying bugs, toward the beach.

Eventually we made it there, tired, but since there wasn't much around, continued on to the ferry terminal, where there were supposedly restaurants. Only a few, and nothing really good stood out, and I commented that all I wanted was some soba. After infiltrating a fancy hotel, and checking out four other restaurants (all seafood of course), we decided the best idea would be to head back to the hotel. So after biking for a couple hours, on our slow bikes, and without food other than chocolate almonds and iced tea, we pedaled back towards the hotel, stopping and pushing our bikes up hill most of the way. Finally, we reached the hill to the hotel, where I thought about collapsing on the ground and crying in hopes that someone would take pity on me and give me a ride up the blasted thing. Well, David was already far ahead of me so I just followed, slowing with each step, contemplating thoughts of shoving my bike over an edge, or falling down, because then someone would probably stop. Nearing the top, sweating, and lightheaded, anger welled inside me. No, rage. I hate this bike. I hate this hill. Why can't they just have an elevator or escalator for bikes? Do people really do this very often? And, where is David?

He had disappeared, already at the top, waiting for me. I shuffled my way there, barely conscious, and collapsed in tears when we got to our room. Lack of food, you know. So we ate at the cafe in the hotel, for the second time. Fried potatoes made it better.

Our hotel was at the top of this hill:

Then, though I never wanted to come up the hill again, we went to the beach that was closer to the hotel. We played in the sand and waves and had a photoshoot. And, spied on a couple walking along the beach, holding hands. When they thought no one was looking, the guy leaned over and kissed the girl, and I commented about how romantic and strange that is, since Japanese don't usually show PDA, except in some cases where they show too much... David just rolled his eyes.

Oh, the beach, how I wished to spend my entire day there, but could not because of our 50-mile (80 km) bike ride.

Well, it felt like 50 miles.

I also taught David how to take portraits. He caught on pretty quick:

Then, after a quick jaunt to the lighthouse, back to the hotel. Though, David pushed my bike up this time, while I balanced it. So chivalrous.

I should note that, during the time between dinner (at the cafe, again...) and when we got back, I observed the pigeons out our window that had been there most of the day. This compelled me to research pigeon mating rituals, since it is spring after all, and one sat with its behind against the wall for the better part of the day, cooing and growling. Although, the noises escalated when the other bird was gone, seemingly trying to get attention. The other one mostly hopped around the ledge, or flew back every time the one making noise grew more upset. Codependent bird. Throughout this ordeal, I once sneaked a glance at them nuzzling each other with their beaks. David, somehow, napped through most of this. If anyone knows the noises pigeons make when they court, please let me know.


I think this one was trying to decide what to do about his/her growling/cooing friend. Or perhaps rethinking his/her decision to commit to said co-dependent bird.

And that, mostly sums up our weekend. Though I've left out the sickening bus rides to and from the hotel to the train station, or the small children that women bring into the onsen and jump around as if in some water park, splashing you in the face when you're just trying to relax.

So now, it's back to real life, and back to being a working girl again.

untethering

The title of this blog is Untethered, at least for now. When I was trying to make a decision about some kind of unique title, moving away from "Sayonara, Goodbye," untethered was the word that kept coming back to mind. I went through various ideas, scoured the thesaurus, slept on it (for a long time) but nothing else stood out. So I revamped my blog, slapped the title on a picture and called it good. Suddenly now, I'm realizing how prophetic that word is, in a way, according to my life.

These last few months, or maybe five, six months, have been challenging in so many ways. Rewarding and eye-opening in some, but certainly challenging. Though I'm on the mend now and most days I feel, more or less, normal, that significant chunk of time completely isolated me from the world. I find this slightly ironic as we visited Seattle for two weeks in December. That time was mostly good, and seeing so many familiar faces was also good, but at the same time, left me feeling slightly alienated and confused. I walked and talked and interacted with the same demeanor I had over two years ago. At times, I wasn't sure how to act, or I felt confused about the discrepancy in how I thought I used to be with particular people, and how I supposedly am now. I pushed the thoughts aside and simply tried to enjoy the little time we had in the US, but those thoughts and feelings that come with it have slowly magnified themselves over the past few months.

As my illness isolated me physically, the distance from the US, as well as circumstances in Japan, also created emotional isolation. Who did I talk to? David and the internet were my main links to anything outside of our apartment. We tried to go to church every now and then, although when we did we could never stay long enough to socialize with anyone or do much afterward. All the plans and invites from other ALTs in the area were postponed and subsequently forgotten, my RSVP always: "when I'm better..." As such, I felt the world around me had kept moving, while my world held the shutters closed and only allowed me to peer out every now and then to see what was going on, and left me wondering if I could ever get out again.

As of now, I still often feel as if I'm peering out the window. I see the social interactions happen around me (Facebook is like a window to everything social), and feel a pain as to how hopeless it is for me to even try to enter into those groups. I've always been the person that has difficulty in social interactions, particularly groups. I force it out, bending and twisting who I am to conform to some kind of person that I know will be accepted by others. I feel as if I'm shunning myself - condemning myself back behind that window while this alter-ego of mine tries to engage, make connections and friends. When it's all said and done, it wasn't really me at that table, smiling, laughing, talking. It was just the me that works in society - that works in circumstances so as not to make others uncomfortable or create social awkwardness.

Then I see all that is keenly familiar to me in the US. My friends, family, people I know so well and spent significant amounts of time with. Though some of these relationships still run strong, and have stood the test of time and change (and how thankful I am for those relationships!), others have simply dissipated across the world, both literally and figuratively. Some that I've known for most of my life, seem so strange to me now, not in any bad way, but like we hardly know each other. I feel like a completely different person from when I was twenty, fifteen, ten. So much so that these encounters bring with them a sense of confusion. Old traits and habits and demeanor haunt me and escape from within, though they don't show up in my current daily life. I feel foreign - who is this person that is waving my hand and moving my lips?

I want to relate to those I've known so long - those that have been part of significant moments in my life. Some of them still work quite well. They work despite change and developing identity and 4,000 miles of distance. They work despite differences or similarities in religion or beliefs or values. Those people that I met in random moments, and instantly clicked with, have been some of the best kind of friends. Even if a considerable amount of time goes between talking to those kind of people, I still know that I can always consider them a close friend. And yet other relationships, it hurts me to say, seem to have become more and more distant over the years of change and physical distance. They are almost a burden - a forced interaction that just doesn't seem to work. Or those relationships that I considered so close, that aren't in the first two categories I've mentioned, that don't seem to work simply because I am no longer a part of their daily life, and they are no longer a part of mine.

Sometimes thoughts pervade my mind in attempts to convince me that people in the aforementioned relationships simply don't care. Yet, I know everyone cares, in their own way. I know that life has just continued to take its course, and carried people with it. This is normal. Life carried me to Japan. And I'm living in Japan, with my best friend (who also happens to be my husband), and carving out a life here, for whatever is ahead of us on this road. To everyone who has not lived in a foreign country for at least a year, this is probably a difficult concept, although not as difficult if you think of it as moving to a new city, or state, or something like that. Those of you who are and have lived in a foreign country, you already know. You lose the community you left behind. Though, you may still have some of those cherished connections, you inevitably lose some (or a lot) too.

Though I hardly considered the US my main "home" to begin with, since I've felt disconnected plenty of times, it has started to feel less and less like a home base in really any sense. So if anyone asked me why I might want to go back, I would probably say (aside family), for Whole Foods or competent doctors. The US is awesome in a lot of ways, and Seattle and Washington are so dear to my heart and always will be. Japan has become so much more to me though, and my increasing knowledge of the country, language, and its people just fill my heart with so much love, angst and peace that it feels like it's the place to be, for me. Though I'm still in social limbo, and though I've yet to really integrate myself more and more into the community (foreign and Japanese), I realize that in the end, it is still a good place. It is the right place. Sometimes some things are frustrating, or difficult, or annoying, and yes, I certainly don't fit in here simply because I'm a foreigner. Foreigners are like me, and the US, and Western culture, since I am one too. The way I act around those I am more familiar with is how I'm accustomed to acting in those situations. Yet, around Japanese people, there aren't all those preconceptions. Oh, of course there are preconceptions and misunderstandings about foreigners, but oddly enough, in a society based on conformity, I don't feel like I have to be a certain way with those I meet. There is something strangely refreshing about knowing that this person you are talking to just wants to know who you are, and what you are like, as a foreigner. One of those few circumstances where I can exercise the "be who you are" mantra that is preached constantly in Western culture (especially in the States).

So this brings me back to my title. Normally, I love to engage people and make them laugh in what I write. I love to make light of my problems or issues or mishaps in order to make others smile or just give them a small break from the seriousness of life. I love doing this. Yet, I realized today, as I pondered my lack of sense of community, that I'd forgotten about this whole idea of being "untethered." Why allow myself to be tied down to one subject, to one way of acting around other people? Why does it matter? Why do I say I don't care what people think but yet sometimes still act like I do? Why don't I just allow my friendships and relationships to just develop naturally (as I've come to believe they should) instead of forcing relationships with those I just don't necessarily click with? Note: I'm not saying I don't want to meet a variety of people or talk to people, since I love hearing people's stories. I'm just saying I don't think I should feel like I need to be everyone's best friend.

It's a serious topic, I know. Please don't think I'm mentally depressed or on the verge of joining a cult or anything like that. I'm doing about as fine as someone in my situation could be. Not great, but good in the sense that I know I'm growing, and learning something about myself and the people around me, and just about life. So, in that sense, I'm thankful for process.