Life transitions

It's been quite some time since I've posted here, what with working so hard on Surviving in Japan, being pregnant, becoming a columnist for Japan Times, among other things. I have to look back on the past few years and count my blessings - particularly to see how taking that leap of faith to come to Japan was such an integral and necessary part of how I got to be where I am now. Even coming down with labrynthitis propelled me forward onto the path I am currently on. So for that, I'm thankful I was sick for six months, as miserable as it was.

And now I'm looking ahead to August with a bit of apprehension - I have no idea how things will change, concerning all I've worked so hard at the past year and a half. I know I've always been meant to be mommy - there's no doubt in mind. David and I look forward to becoming parents, finally. And we found out our little bundle of joy will be a girl. To be honest, we never envisioned ourselves as parents of a girl - I've always seen us more as parents of boys. I never had brothers either, which may play some role in that. The initial shock that this little darling is indeed female was a bit difficult to swallow (not that we weren't excited - just surprised). But now we move ahead, preparing for her arrival - the arrival of a child. Our child.

Honestly, I've hardly had much of a chance to reflect on having a baby as I've been working so much. But when I stop and think, I realize how blessed this child will be to have parents who love her unconditionally and will always keep her safe, physically and emotionally. It's reassuring for me, especially as an adult child of divorce, to think about this little one and how she will be the generation of my family that won't have to grow up with all this pain and these issues. She won't grow up worrying if someone will ever love her or if she's even worth loving. She won't question whether her dad wants to spend time with her or not. She won't look at every relationship in fear, thinking that they could fall apart without notice, from simply expressing a thought or emotion. This child, and her siblings, whenever they arrive, will grow up radically different.

What a gift for me, as a parent yes, but also as an ACOD who has done the hard work and come this far - for my husband, yes, for God, yes, for me, YES, but also for my children. I did not want my children to experience the same fears and worries and turmoil. Yes, many parents want this to be true for their children. They don't want to repeat their parents' mistakes. But then many often find they are indeed repeating some of those mistakes, unknowingly, and repeating history. It's impossible to completely break away from the cycles unless you've done the hard work for yourself. It's impossible to just decide you'll be different and then be different. You have to decide to be different, and then attack that pain and those issues with vengeance. Those adult children must find healing so they can leave the past behind.

This doesn't mean we won't make mistakes. I know I'll make mistakes. I make mistakes as a wife... but my husband has been patient and understanding enough to allow me those mistakes and never take away love and safety. He lets me put my knowledge and healing into practice. And so I have continued to move forward, even in baby steps at times.

Becoming a parent will be no different in this way, I know. I need to put my knowledge and healing to practice, and I don't think it will be easy at first. (Although I am thankful for my extensive amount of experience working with kids... as this has given me the confidence to know how I generally am with kids, so I worry less about being a parent). But I do know that I am in a healthy place to move forward with that and to deal with these emotions as they come up. Oh, and a highly recommended book for any couple about to become parents: "When Partners Become Parents." Please read this book - it's essential for your emotional and relational health.

With all that said, I'll move forward into this new life transition, hand-in-hand with my husband, my best friend. And I look ahead to the other things in life I'm moving towards, whatever those transpire to be in the next year or two. What a blessing it is to live without such a deep well of pain inside, finally. Sometimes I feel as though I need to be experiencing some kind of pain to really feel alive, but then I feel so foolish for not recognizing that isn't really living. It's part of life, yes, but that is surviving, not living. There's no need for me to hold myself back now, from truly living.

enjoying the ride

My husband and I were riding our bikes home from the sento (public bath) last night - essentially becoming more sticky after we'd just cleaned off. My bike typically rolls faster than his due to my road tires, and his mountain tires. So I slow down, wait for him to catch up, until, inevitably, my bikes zooms ahead again (hardly me pedaling it forward).

Later I asked him if he was riding so slow as to avoid becoming sweaty.

"That's one reason," he answered, provoking my curiosity for more information.

"What's the other reason?" My poor husband has to live with someone as endlessly curious as me.

He sat, still focusing on whatever he was doing on the computer. My patience doesn't often last long as I spoke up again:

"just enjoying the nice night?"

"Yep. Just enjoying the ride."

Earlier that day, I had thought the very same thing, as I forced myself to slowly pedal to 7-11 for cash. Even when I set out to have a calm, relaxing joy ride, I still end up pedaling hard, weaving around people, grumbling at the traffic and close-calls. No matter how hard I try, it just happens. So yesterday afternoon, I went from pedaling slowly and smiling and admiring the gorgeous day, to speeding along the roads and sidewalks. Until I realized I was speeding again, and slowed back to my lackadaisical pace.

In fact, the only time I seem to not be able to speed up, is when I'm just going for a walk. But, stick me in a city somewhere, with something to do, I speed up again. Sometimes I just attribute this to my need for speed (I didn't do track and cross country for years for nothing). And other times, I think maybe I'm so determined in the path to where I'm heading - that I forget to slow down and enjoy where I am.

Even now, with the various opportunities I have and am pursuing, my excitement for the future drives me to work hard in order to reach those goals. I want to get somewhere - I want to be somewhere. It isn't that I'm not happy about where I am now, but I look forward to the path ahead of me. Yet there are times when I stop and seem to wish that time wouldn't pass so quickly. I remind myself that these years are precious and valuable.

I've heard that before. "Enjoy being single! You won't get it back again!" Yet, I hated being single, and was miserable a good amount of the time. Not because I was single persay, but for a variety of reasons that stem to family, transitions, and change. Being married is far better than being single, in my opinion. However, I do acknowledge the necessity of those formative years for my personal growth - and I wouldn't have been ready for marriage without them. Yet, even then, I was speeding forward, as fast as possible, until I would finally find my partner in life.

Even as a child, I longed for the day I would be 16, or 21, or just an adult. I desired freedom - to feel more like a human being and to not be looked down upon. I enjoyed the games and imaginary life that came with being a child, but I don't wish for those days again. And now, I am in the best place I feel I have been in my entire life. Why? Marrying my husband was part of my purpose in life. Everyone has their own opinion about all this, but I KNOW David and I were meant for each other, and evidence to prove that has shown up regularly in my life.

In fact, the good memories of the past were directly related to purpose - the things I did that felt meaningful. When I was utilizing my skills and gifts, and being the person I was made to be, was when I was the most content.

Now, I'm using many of these skills in a variety of ways and feel more full than in situations where I cannot. And I'm watching to see how they grow and transpire, excited for fruit to come forth. I enjoy the little moments, especially with my husband, but I also work in preparation for the future. The goals I want to achieve are bold in my mind, and written on paper. Some things we don't know yet. We don't know exactly what will happen in the future, or why we feel Japan is such a part of it. We don't know when we will have children, although that's another life transition we look forward too.

Nothing is certain but the fact that we are in preparation for those transitions. I don't think there's anything wrong with being future-minded and anticipating the great things to come. Yet, I also know I need to slow down at times and remember, good things are still happening now.