From Old to New

These days, I don't feel like myself. Maybe that is the point.

My health issues have constantly plagued me, engaging me in some kind of internal battle on a daily basis. Some days, I win; but more often than not, the issues win. Fatigue, low-energy, and various other ailments I have had the past two years. So far, with all the doctors and supposed "experts" I have seen, nothing has been resolved. I thought to just ignore it for the time being when I got to Japan - to figure out what to do later. It seems that ignoring it was a bad idea, as I have felt so much worse since I arrived.

About a week ago, I was feeling particularly bad, with intense off-and-on abdominal pain, in my liver area. Of course, since I have had Hepatitis A, I became quite worried about it and for about 24 hours watched my fat intake just in case. My eyes were also looking kind of funny the few days before that and so I was hoping I wasn't getting jaundice or something again. Well, then Saturday evening, as I'm typing away on IM to David as usual, suddenly I became incredibly light-headed. I had an urge to vomit almost, so I ran to the bathroom. Nothing happened, but my body started shaking uncontrollably and a wave of icy coldness overcame me. I stumbled back to my computer to tell David I wasn't feeling well all of the sudden... and was growing worse by the second. I was panicking, not knowing what was happening or what I should do, and David was afraid I might suddenly pass out, so he helpfully began calling people I knew that might be able to take me to the hospital... well this to no avail at that point in time so I tried my sempai (another ALT who kind of "looks after" new ALTs). I knew she had a car so I thought it might work, and sure enough she answered immediately and said she would come get me after she picked up her car (she had gone to Tokyo that day).

Well while I was sitting there waiting, and David checking to make sure I hadn't passed out, I thought what if my blood sugar is low, and proceeded to drink 3/4 carton of apple juice. I started to feel a bit better, and when my sempai picked me up she gave me a lollipop, which revived me quite quickly... though I was still having abdominal pain.

We go to the hospital in Fukuroi, where they tell us to go to another hospital in the city next to Fukuroi. So we headed there and waited for about an hour or so in the waiting room. Of course, I ended up having to call David so he could talk to the reception guys, since they didn't seem to understand me even though I kept pointing to my abdomen and telling them (in Japanese) that I had pain there.

When we finally saw the ER doctor, he briefly tapped my abdomen and then ordered a CT scan. I was surprised that was all he did...

I'm no stranger to CT scans since I've had one before, and I really don't enjoy them, but it turned out better than I thought because they didn't have to give me the imaging fluid I had in the states. After waiting for awhile, again, the doctor called us in and pointed out everything on my scan was normal. Then he pointed to my intestines and said "constipation" and my sempai, started cracking up hysterically... Of course I am trying to keep a straight face, and since I also knew the pain I was having was not constipation since I know what that feels like (and please, I'm sure you all do). Then he said "very much stool, very much stool" and kept repeating it, as my sempai is laughing her head off and says "Ashley, all you need to do is take a crap..." to which of course I had to laugh, so I'm trying to tell the doctor my pain isn't constipation while I'm laughing, my sempai is laughing, and he continues to repeat "very much stool."

Finally I asked to have a blood test done when I told him about my drastic blood sugar crash that evening. They took my blood, and we waited, again, for quite some time. As we were waiting, the receptionist guys started saying something about my supervisor coming, but I wasn't sure if they were asking me if that was ok or telling me. I said no, she didn't need to come, but again they didn't understand my Japanese I think. We heard clicking heels from around the corner and knew she had arrived. She probably thought I was dying and I really didn't want to worry her...

So then the doctor explained to all of us, that all my blood tests were normal. He said my blood sugar levels were normal, though I pointed out I had just drank a 3/4 carton of apple juice, a vitamin water, and eaten a lollipop. He seemed to think that didn't matter even though, of course it does. So then I dropped that, since I knew I wouldn't get anywhere with it, and instead starting talking about all my prior issues and what's been wrong with me (since my supervisor was there to translate). However, this ended up with me in tears as he kept saying nothing was wrong, and I even pointed out that I have not been able to gain weight in 2 years... to which they both thought that meant I wanted to get fat. "You want to get fat?" "No, I want to know that I can weight if I tried." "So, you want to get fat?" "NO. I want to be able to gain weight." "So you want to get fat?" ..............

The doctor then explained that my fat level is perfectly normal for the average, 23-year-old, Japanese woman. My lip curled up ever so slightly as I responded... "but I'm not Japanese..." This did not seem to phase the man at all, so I pulled the sleeve of my arm up to reveal my bony wrist, waving it in the air as I exclaimed "look at how bony my wrist is! Look! Look!" Again, no expression crossed his face as he replied "Ok, ok." (meaning, it is ok, normal, fine, why am I waving my arm around frantically...) At this point I was near tears, exhausted and exasperated by the entire night, so I jumped up and flipped down the waist band to my pants (which I think shocked both my supervisor and the doctor), pointed to my hips, (which are also quite bony, and jut out as if to try and convince, at least Americans, that I am near anorexic), and said "LOOK! Look at my hips! Do you see how bony they are?" Again, he calmly reassured me I was fine. I slowly sat down again, crying because my abnormalities were not apparent to this supposed expert. He finally asked, (as I am trying to stop crying) if I wanted a laxative to take home, to which I responded with a resounding no. Probably more than anything to protest his diagnosis. He then proceeded to ask the same question 3 times, to which my "no" became stronger and more defiant. I realize it was somewhat juvenile, it was just a laxative after all... but I am not a big fan of them anyway since they can mess up your system, and mine is already having issues.

I visited a doctor this past week after the ER, who supposedly specialized in internal medicine. When I arrived however, and gave her my extensive explanation of all my issues and all the things I had done to figure out what was wrong the past 2 years, she told me she was a Cardiologist and really wasn't sure what was wrong. She mentioned something about a skin issue, although I'm not sure where that came from since I am not having any skin issues. To her credit, she's a very nice lady and tried her best to help me, I actually ended up taking home a bag of hatsuga genmai (sprouted brown rice) for free when I saw her last time. She claimed it worked miracles for her when she has had problems before (though nothing like what I was talking about). Then I realized later at home the brown rice I had been eating WAS hatsuga genmai - it is the only kind of brown rice I can find at the store. It has some special amino acid in it: GABA. The doctor had explained GABA has anti-stress effects; it is very calming - but in my preliminary research I have found that this anti-stress effect is actually more of a sedative... Considering I'm tired all the time, not sure how great that is for me...

With these things, and other things that have been happening, I've recently realized how much I am struggling to figure out this new self and new life, as opposed to being my old self in my old life. Just with life changes, normal adjustments, particularly in a completely different place, is really forcing me to come to terms with these things and at the same time, bringing up things on a more magnified scale for me to address. They can be easier to ignore when they are the norm in every aspect of your life, including your relationships with others, but in a completely different life, you realize they aren't a norm. I realize it is a bit vague, but it could be different for everyone, maybe tendencies or habits you have, how you react to others and what they do, how you make decisions, or how much or little you function on feelings/emotions or rational thought.

In other news, the school year has ended here at Fukuroi High School. We are now on spring break so I try to keep myself entertained at work. The new school year, and seeing all those bright and shiny faces of new students, will begin April 7th. This weekend I'm meeting David in Tokyo for a few days, to take care of various things, and the cherry blossoms are all out and about now so if I actually remember to bring my camera, I will take pictures. We don't seem to have any blossomy trees in my city so things still look a bit lifeless, although some things have been blooming... and yes, the bugs are back. In fact I've already killed two mosquitoes in my apartment just this weekend (what with our 70 degree weather...). Of course now it went back to low 60's... and supposed to be in the 50's this week, but at least I'm not in freezing cold Washington.

Anyway, so, no I don't feel as much like myself. I'm somewhere between an old self and a new self, with of course, real parts of myself intact somewhere within. Though it feels stressful and at times discrepant, like I said, maybe that's a good thing.

Spring on the Way

The weather seems to be undecided - winter? Spring? Winter? Spring?

I sit comfortably in my apartment now, without the heat on, for the first time in months. The temperature is in the mid-60's - and the air is quite calm, the skies gray, outside. I hardly slept last night due to what sounded like some torrential rain storm. Rain and wind, pounding the windows, rattling the doors. I can't complain though, as it is so nice to finally enjoy a comfortable temperature.

So a few things to discuss from the past few weeks. One thing is now for sure - David's transfer to Shizuoka (where I am) was approved. There's a bit more ambiguity following this for how things roll out in the coming months - so we're hoping for the best. So I find it interesting, now, to think about being in Japan for some time. I am excited about it, and wouldn't have it any other way, but just strange in some ways since I never imagined I would be in a place in life such as this.

Last weekend, I attended the wedding of a coworker of mine. She's about my age and we talk somewhat frequently. Of course I committed so many faux pas I think I seemed pretty ridiculous. First of all, I don't own a dress, so I decided to wear a skirt and sweater, figuring those would be at least presentable enough. Yet, in Japan, most women dress up, REALLY dress up, and so all the women at the wedding were decked out in what seemed more like formal wear or something. Sparkly wraps, shiny heels, extravagant up-do's. And here was I...plain brown skirt, blue sweater (which was a V neck, like most of my sweaters, and though I wear a shirt underneath it and lack anything resembling cleavage, I think I scandalized the mother of the bride, as she couldn't stop disgracefully looking at my bright white exposed neckline. In Japan, most women's shirts are not V's, or they are very small V's, and they say that girls here prefer leg-revealing clothing rather than chest-revealing clothing), and my hair down. As if my blond hair isn't enough to make me stand out - the clothing definitely didn't do anything for me. "Hello! I'm a foreigner! Look at me!"

Tradition expects that wedding guests bring a monetary gift - in what apparently requires a fancy, decorated envelope. Well, I was at the store the day before the wedding, searching for an envelope, but I can't read all of the kanji so I wasn't sure which envelope to get. I asked Josh (David's brother) about one I emailed him with my phone, to which he responded that was for funerals so not to use that particular one. I was tired, and didn't feel like spending this much effort picking out an envelope, so I chose a more plain one with no kanji written on it. I also figured this act would cut down on environmental waste (I tend to use this as justification a lot...) Of course this ended in failure as well. I pulled out my rather plain envelope while waiting in line with the other guests, and as I peered around me, noticing all the sparkly ribbons, colorful papers, etc... I realized I had again committed some social mistake. I apologized as I handed my envelope to the attendant, who smiled and thanked me anyway. As I walked away to sign the guest book, I peered over my shoulder to see her stuffing my homely envelope under the pile so it was hidden. I couldn't help but laugh at that.

The guests all waited in a room drinking tea and non-alcoholic cocktails as we waited for the wedding to begin. The bride's mother attempted to converse with me in Japanese - I held on for the most part until she asked something out of my vocabulary range. My kocho-sensei (principal) saved me at that point as he came over to translate and talk to me in English. That began a long day of him announcing to each and every guest that I was next to get married.

When the wedding was about to start we were ushered out of the room. However, this was done according to family, then men, then women. I, of course, wasn't really listening closely and started walking with each group (family and then men) and my coworkers had to remind me to wait each time. You would think I may have noticed all the men at least when they called the men...

The ceremony was in some castle-like tower at the hotel we were at. It had a square-shaped spiral ramp that rose gradually to the top of the tower. The ceiling of the spiral was quite low, and held off from the main area by bars. So the guests all line up around this narrow "passageway", pressed against the decorative iron, and watching the procession in the center.

The bride then walks down this corridor (with her father), as all the guests snap millions of pictures. The groom stands with the man performing the ceremony (who was a foreigner, to my surprise, though I couldn't determine his accent, as it wasn't one I am familiar with). As the bride joins the groom, the man, dressed in a cloak, begins with: "Welcome to my castle. I am the Lord of this castle," proceeding to perform most of the ceremony in English, though I doubt many people understood him. Getting married in Japan is slightly less complicated than in America (so it seems) and so all you technically need to do is go to city hall and sign a piece of paper - Congratulations! you're married. I mentioned this to a fellow teacher and she replied, "yes, but it is very difficult to get divorced!" Touche.

So as I bit my tongue to keep from laughing at this cloaked lord, suddenly smoke begins billowing out around the floor so they look like they are standing in fog. I think it was supposed to be romantic - or maybe just cover the less aesthetic green carpet...








It wasn't a traditional Japanese ceremony by any means, but certainly felt like something you would experience in Japan. Like the rings floating down from the top of the tower, on a heart shaped pillow, held by balloons. Everyone oohs and ahhs and exclaims "sugoi!!!!" (like... great, or wonderful or something to that extent).

After the ceremony the bride and groom walk back up the corridor as everyone throws fake petals right in their face. Then the bouquet toss... which was actually three fake bouquets (the bride kept hers). I joined in the catching fun, mostly because I was practically pulled in. Someone told me if I caught it I would be the next to get married (I don't think they knew we do bouquet tossing in America) to which I replied, somewhat tongue-in-cheek, "well I am the next one getting married..." Now, when you think of a bouquet toss, perhaps crazed single women pushing and shoving to grab the thing might bear image in your mind - but in Japan, because of the cultural mores of humility, the bouquets just fall to the floor each time and the girls all motion to each other to "go ahead", "no you, really, go ahead" and so you have everyone standing around motioning to each other to pick up the bouquets, whilst they just lay on the floor. I found this indescribably funny because of the irony...

The reception included various typical events akin to western weddings, cake cutting, stuffing cake in each other's faces, etc. The bride and groom's parents also walk around filling all the guest's glasses with some alcoholic drink (though I had OJ). It was an 8 course meal - of which I could only eat part of, or chose to eat part of because it tends to be fancy food which really just tastes horrible. Bingo was played...somehow I won. The entire thing. A portable DVD player was my prize, to which I've been attempting to figure out how to hack and make it all regions instead of region 2.

The guests are also given various gifts. I left with two bags and the centerpiece (everyone told me to take it). I received a few boxes of food, and some catalog you can choose an item from and order. Definitely different... but not anything we are going to mimic so don't get your hopes up.

And that folks... was my first experience at a wedding in Japan.

My restrictive diet is going somewhat well. I believe my body is going through some intense detoxing right now and so I am a bit all over the place - emotionally (and my wonderful fiance never complains - seriously that's a great guy right there...). So I can hardly eat anything but am trying to be creative and experiment, and hanging in there when I feel like driving my head through a wall. Valentine's Day has made the chocolate cravings all too intense, to the point where I have this incredible loathing for Valentine's Day simply because of its advertisements for creamy chocolate truffles....... oh sigh.....

I also think I may have discovered a food intolerance I have, though its still too soon to tell for sure. We'll see in the coming weeks if my hypothesis is correct or not.

Despite my constant fatigue and general blah feelings, I went to the flower arranging club (ikebana) last week so I could silence my superiors about their constant expectations for me to be involved - even though I probably do much more than they see, and hardly have energy to take care of day to day things, much less do more. So I went, and had fun with the girls, creating art of course with flowers. They were all amazed and asked if it was my first time, which it was. But... I used to do this kind of thing when I was little, with my mom, and besides, I have a general eye for these things, not to mention taking numerous art classes and learning all about how to create something "dynamic." Anyway, it was quite enjoyable, and has made it feel more like spring in my apartment, which is wonderful.

I suppose this has now become quite long... and I do have more to do today in the way of cleaning, cooking, errands, etc. It's my domestic weekend.

Until next time.

My Friend, Japan

What is this? The sun is now setting at a later time, and I am overjoyed at the fact daylight is slowly increasing again. I've had quite enough of the winter darkness. Sometimes I am jealous of the bears that sleep all winter. What a life.

Probably not too realistic though. What excitement though, that spring is heading this way, oh so slowly. As I was walking yesterday, I saw a flock of birds in their typical V, heading north. I was so beside myself with excitement and fascination - exclaiming in my head that this must be a sign of spring's forthcoming arrival. Although to many, the weather really may seem like nothing, what with endless sunny days and daytime temps typically around the 40s or 50s. Yet, I rarely leave the warmth of my heater. Nonetheless! I await spring with anticipation.

So tomorrow marks 6 months since I arrived in Japan (and ironically, today marks 6 months till the wedding). The months have surely flown by, and yet at times the days have a tendency of dragging on forever. Lately I have been contemplating the development of this pre-wedding relationship between David and I - how it changes, adjusts, and adapts. The more I thought, I realized the same idea applies to my relationship with Japan. Yes, relationship.

Those first days of overwhelming amazement, awe and fascination, strikes out on that note. I "fell in love" so to speak, as it wooed me... As time went on, its characteristics became more or less normal, feeling nothing out of the ordinary. I wave my hand to anything..."oh yes it's just Japan." And then, I realized recently, as time has continued, Japan has become a dear friend. As I learn its strengths and weaknesses, good and bad points, and experience it for what it really and truly is, it touches a deeper part of my heart. It reveals its true self, showing vulnerability and yet, unveiling the beauty God bestowed on it from its beginnings.

Though I still experience times outside of my comfort zone (which I am thankful for), this place is a comfort to me. I love to share its joys and sorrows, of course, primarily from my personality, and an outsider. I enjoy getting to know it, to learn about it, and understand it. So, I find there isn't another way to describe how I feel now about it other than express the blossoming of my friendship with Japan.

Of course, it likes to tease me as many of my friends do, and David (who leaves me with sore abs and cheek muscles from laughing so hard when we're together). A couple weeks ago, I put out a few items of laundry to hang in the sun for a bit. Since it has been so dry here, I usually hang the laundry inside to up the humidity a bit, but this particular day I thought to hang some outside. Well, as I mentioned previously, Shizuoka is a wind tunnel or something, at least western Shizuoka. Normally, if the wind is blowing and my clothes are out, they just get blown together at one end of my drying pole. But not this day.

I am sitting on my computer, as usual, after I hang the clothes outside. A little while later, I suddenly hear a crash and some other loud noises. I run to the balcony and pop out the door, to find nothing but a pair of underwear laying on the balcony floor. Um, WHERE are my CLOTHES??? I practically hang over the balcony railing in search of my clothing items, figuring they must have fallen into someone's yard. Sure enough, they had. Interestingly enough, not the neighbor directly below me, but the neighbor below and adjacent to me. There were my clothes, strewn about the yard, one shirt caught on a hook outside their back door.

I ran downstairs and rang the neighbor's doorbell. No one home. Blast. I ran back upstairs and wrote a note, detailing all the items I had lost in their yard to tape to their door for when they arrived back home. Thankfully, the note worked and all my clothes were returned. Probably the most important point of this story is that somehow the underwear had slung itself off the hanger and flipped back to the balcony while everything else decided to take a trip to the neighbor's yard. That, I believe, saved quite a bit of embarrassment for me and the man who brought my clothes back. Ah....sumimasen....

Friends also like to do nice things for friends - and because of various health issues I have been dealing with over the past couple years, I am going to try a stringent diet for a couple months or possibly longer (it's not weight related, so don't worry, if anything I could stand to gain a pound or two) to see if I can't fix anything. Well, to my amazement, I have suddenly discovered various websites I can order all kinds of organic and whole foods from, even vegetables. I was smiling and dancing around my apartment by all this good news. And when a box of goodies I ordered from one place came, it was like Christmas opening it. (It really did feel more like Christmas than the actual Christmas, at least the opening presents part.) So, we'll see how this goes.

Speaking of food, I need to go clean up the kitchen and make something to eat. Here's to 6 months.

The Inspiration of Food

The winter months tend to be so dark and cold, when all you feel like doing is curling up on the couch with some hot tea, an inviting fire in the fireplace. Unfortunately, I lack two of those things, so my space heater and cup of chai satisfy for now. The fire is more for the ambiance than the warmth, but the couch I long for on a daily basis. Consequently, David hears about this couch yearning on an almost daily basis. That, among various other things, including a cat. It is as if I believe the simple act of repeating this information to him constantly will magically make them appear immediately after we move into wherever we will be living later this year. What can I say, I am always hopeful.

The kitchen, or in my case, lack thereof, has become a sort of solace from the cold and darkness. I usually enjoy cooking and baking, although it can be dependent on my mood or energy. It isn't atypical for me to pour myself a huge bowl of cereal with yogurt when I feel unmotivated or tired. However, during the winter break, when I spent much of my time the last week at home by myself, my excitement for cooking and experimentation was revived to a level similar to pre-Japan.

So let me introduce my new obsession: food blogs. As I perused the internet searching for recipe ideas I stumbled across some gems. Good food blogs incorporate tried recipes, mouth-watering photos and often little heart-felt anecdotes. My mindless hours were turned into warm adventures of the cuisine nature - marking and e-mailing various recipes, and then spending inordinate amounts of time at various super markets searching for ingredients to stock my tiny kitchen.

These ingredients all soon turned into edible masterpieces over the next week and the time following since then. I have brought the focus of my eating back to whole foods, and limiting refined, processed foods as much as possible. Living in Seattle, this wasn't hard to do, since you've got Whole Foods, PCC, Farmer's Markets, and various other organic and whole food type stores. So, living in Japan has been somewhat of a challenge for this, since they are limited when it comes to organics, and some healthy foods tend to be on the expensive side. (i.e. Brown rice is much more expensive here than I had ever found it to be in Western Washington). Fortunately, my local store has a small organics section, and I have found some places I can order from online. Now if only I could find more organic produce!

One recipe in particular I wanted to mention on this blog is for frozen yogurt. I found the recipe on one of my favorite food blogs, 101 Cookbooks. I have been missing Red Mango desperately since moving here, its soft, creamy peaks topped with bright raspberries and tiny chocolate chips - bite after bite surrounding the tongue in cold, sweet tanginess. Not to mention, the health benefits of yogurt. So after reading this recipe I immediately ordered an ice cream maker from amazon.jp, and it arrived within 2 days.

I spent about an hour at the super market deciphering yogurt labels in Japanese, to determine which would allow me to make excellent frozen yogurt. My first attempt was rather pathetic, as I wasn't patient enough to strain the yogurt correctly, and then I foolishly stopped the maker after it had started to try and fix the churn paddle. This last step immediately froze the yogurt into stiffness. No frozen yogurt that night.

My second attempt was the one to write home about. After allowing my yogurt to strain in the fridge while I was at work, then whipping it up with some honey, I plugged in the ice cream maker, pressed the "on" button, and scooped the yogurt into the churn. I went about my business as it noisily churned for about 20 minutes. I went back to check it, and to my delight, I was met with an overflowing bucket of soft, creamy fro-yo. I happily ate the entire thing (two large bowls) and felt a bit sick later that evening - but I don't regret it, as it was perfectly satiating to my taste buds.

Some other notable food blogs I discovered for my particular pursuits are: Gluten-Free Girl and Elana's Pantry. Both are gluten-free, but I find them full of healthy ideas, and relying less on foods that aren't as whole or healthy. Each links to more food blogs, but even just a web search will highlight various blogs depending on your particular cravings.

One thing I have realized is that reading about other people's cooking experiences motivates me to create my own culinary experiences. Similarly, as I also was reading various other blogs of different nature, I also find that other's lives inspire me as well. Much like reading a book, feeling inspired by the character's outcomes (non-fiction or fiction) and finding new motivation to move forward in whatever area of your life. Like discovering new tastes and ideas, new recipes for life may abound.

So as my motivation to cook has intensified, so has my motivation in other parts of my life. Rediscovering purpose in the face of change, learning how the changes apply and subsequently understanding the results, whether immediate or distant. To gain perspective is like gaining freedom, because the future becomes less fearful.

What am I referring to specifically? Probably a myriad of things - anything and everything I think about on a daily basis. It has already been almost 6 months since I've been in Japan, and how strange as it has felt so short. I still feel that I am adapting more each day, learning more each day, not just about Japan and its people, but about myself, who I am and where I am going. In that sense, being here is an outlet for me, a space to stretch the thoughts and inspire creativity. I've grown quite fond of it.

Anyway. I've finished my tea. It was nice chatting with you.

Don't Know Why You Say Goodbye, I Say Hello...

Has anyone been wondering why the title of my blog is Sayonara, Goodbye? Well, if you've read the first post it was probably quite obvious as I hashed out a final dedication to my life in Seattle. I said goodbye to Seattle, and 9 hours later, hello to Japan. It was a physical and metaphysical farewell, to what had become a place close to my heart, and a life, identity, so familiar to me. The events of these past months have ensured a continual goodbye, to most of what I know of myself. The New Year faded in as listlessly as any other stroke of midnight... I shift my eyes to the clock, noticing it's 12, and find my mind drift to another thought. In fact it was today (January 2nd) that I realized for the first time it was actually 2009, and only because I saw some poster in Hamamatsu with a big, fat 2009 plastered across it. Just as we all say goodbye to an old year, I've been doing the same to myself.

Before you start to think I'm becoming depressed from culture shock or something, don't worry, it's my identity that is getting the boot here, not my physical self. To most of you will probably come as no surprise that marriage is a big part of this identity-loss, but also just being in a place where my independence is being stretched and challenged in various ways to reshape it. My thinking, perspectives, ideals, are constantly being shaped, and mostly by listening to other people talk, and how they act. I am becoming different, just as I had spent the past several years figuring out WHO I was. So now, who am I and who will I become? Probably a better, maybe the best, version of myself, so why fight the process.

Foreigners living in Japan, with little Japanese ability (including myself, I'm working on it!) can formulate all kinds of preconceptions and perspectives on how people think, their intentions, cause and effect, etc. I seem to hear a lot of generalizations of Japan and the people, even by those who have more language ability and have lived here for some time. Sometimes, I am also tempted to generalize ways of life and how people are, but usually I end up taking a step back when I hear someone else generalizing something. Though Japan is quite homogeneous, I still find many exceptions, and it makes me think of how easy it is for humans, to be so influenced by not only their own culture but also their geographical or social "sphere" (ethnocentrism). We are limited to our experience, what we see, but we sub-consciously find ease in coming up with these generalizations or beliefs, because they are true in "our" world. Fascinating.

I thought of this today riding my bike back from the train station. The winter is so dry here in Shizuoka, but with perpetually clear skies. The mountains are beautifully blue and sharp in northwest, taking turns rolling up and down. Mt.Fuji sits as a backdrop to these in the northernmost corner of them... never visible in the summer, but the clear skies bring out its snow-capped top. Towards the south, where I live, are the green hills, the ocean far behind them. I thought of how beautiful the scenery is, and thought of how beautiful the scenery is in Washington, with mountains wherever the eye looks and beautiful waterscapes. It occurred to me as I contemplated generalizations, that scenery such as this is shared everywhere. They are all different, all with their own characteristics, but the general makeup is essentially the same. To put it more concretely, whenever I think about the differences, often cultural, the similarities always come to mind at the same time. It is a balance of the two, with a basic underlying nature. Generalizations - just don't always work.

Enough of the philosophical pondering. So, as yesterday was New Year's in Japan, I felt I should do something culturally applicable. I haven't really been doing much else this past week as it was winter break and I've been enjoying lounging around at home. My supervisor had suggested I visit a nearby temple, which is apparently quite popular. It literally is only about a 15-20 minute bike ride from my apartment, just up the hill, but I just hadn't gone yet. So, I figured I would go to the temple, which is what many (if not most) Japanese people do during those first few days of the New Year, as is customary.

So, I hopped on my bike and pedaled out onto the street. Now, something important to know about Shizuoka, particularly where I am, is that the winter brings lots of WIND. It reminds me of Ellensburg (WA), the wind tunnel. So we have these super strong westerly winds, which makes bike travel quite an epic battle, as most of the main direction I go seems to usually be west. So as I pedaled out of the apartment driveway, I was hit by a huge blast of wind which knocked my bike off course. I pedaled maybe 5 more seconds when my ears started aching, that sharp pain you get from doing active things in the cold. I had to go back and grab my hat, which I have a tendency of forgetting and then regretting when I'm out biking against these freezing gusts.

I reach the main arterial near my apartment and find a long line of cars, stretched out past the bridge that crosses north/south over the train tracks that run east/west. I turn south up the hill, past my high school, down the hill to 7/11, to the bookstore next to the traffic light. I realize at this point the line of cars is also going to my destination, the temple. Makes it easier for me, I thought, now I know I won't get lost (although you all know having an iPhone, I can't really "get" lost anymore). So I pedaled gleefully on the sidewalk past all the cars, laughing to myself that I was going to get there before all of them. Honestly, these people would get there faster walking really. Then, my sidewalk ended.

So I kept on the shoulder for awhile but almost was driven off into some tea fields b/c of how narrow it was. I pulled off onto a sidestreet to determine my current location and figure out an alternate route. Some Brazilians walking by said hello and laughed at me, and then asked if I was ok in Japanese, but I think they were making fun of me, although I'm not entirely sure why. To any bystander I just looked as if checking my phone, could have been text messaging for all they knew. I may have had some odd expression on my face, but I have no idea.

I determined my alternate route and rode the shoulder on the opposite side of the road (yes, GASP, against traffic). I took a right and headed UP the hill and into this cool tunnel. I emerged to find myself surrounded by tea fields, everywhere, and windmills. I happily pedaled along with no traffic until right up to the end, where again, line of cars. After arriving at the main area, which turned out to be quite large with lots of buildings, I headed past all the food vendors and into the crowds. Weaving in and out, getting run into by small Japanese children, and speeding past people content to walk behind the people in front of them like cattle (I hate crowds). I discovered this temple place has a teahouse, which was quite exciting.

Then, in front of me, I gasp. The largest flight of stairs. Ever. In Kyoto, there were plenty of staircases since these temples seem to like stairs for some reason, but this... was just insane. I would liken it to the grand staircase at Kyoto station (which for the record, I walked down, not up). Groaning in my head, and cursing stairs under my breath, I headed up, still weaving in and out of people, tripping over small children and speeding past women in heels who seem to be having difficulties. In efforts to take stress off my knees I work on using my glutes and hamstrings. Like a workout video or something "1, 2, 3, rest, 1, 2, 3, rest". My heart rate rises since I don't do enough cardio exercise (biking doesn't seem to do anything for me most of the time) and I reach the middle. I think I am at the top, then I look up. More stairs. I mutter that this temple better be worth all this exertion. Then I think I can tell David I exercised by climbing this gigantic staircase. I think that I should come back everyday just to climb these stairs. I think that I forgot to get a water bottle on my way here. Etc....

Then, I practically fall on my face as I reach the top. I was so distracted in my thinking I didn't realize I had reached the top and so I took another imaginary stair step and stumbled forward. But there was the temple, packed with people. I am not sure what they were doing but it must have been something at least semi-important. I didn't care to wait in the line so I sort of meandered around briefly, took a few pictures, told myself to come back when its not so busy, and then headed down in search of food.

That was the extent of my New Year's "celebration". Again today there were long lines of cars headed to the temple... some all the way to the train station (maybe 4 miles I would guess). I was a fool to attempt running errands today, so I can't wait for things to settle back into a routine again. Same for me, I have enjoyed having a break, and I don't really want to go back to work yet, but I know I need to get back into some kind of routine again. Not that I ever really had one to begin with...

Speaking of the break, Christmas was last week. I made treats for David and his brother since I was visiting them, and I have to say the pumpkin bread I made turned out amazing. I kept thinking to myself how I wanted to eat it all up except that I wanted to give it to the guys. I also made another batch for some of my students who came for a "christmas party" on Christmas Eve. I made food, they brought a bunch of food (mostly treats) and we sat around and ate food and played some games, listened to Christmas music and chatted. It was such a blessing really, to be able to have time like that with them, when they are uninhibited and speak freely about things, also in English. That is the kind of thing I have been missing from Seattle, when I got to hang out with the kids I worked with, spending time with them, and it wasn't all structured. They are sweet kids, and kept talking about dangerous Japanese mothers. I also taught them the difference between a crush and a boyfriend (for English). Such vital English, I know.

Anyway back to Christmas Day, so I hopped on the Shinkansen to Tokyo. My new trick riding the Shinkansen now is to buy unreserved tickets (cheaper), and then I find two empty seats, I sit in the aisle seat (since I feel more comfortable on the aisle, I hate feeling trapped in window seats) and then put my stuff in the next seat. I then pretend I am asleep at every stop so people don't sit next to me. Although, they are usually scared of me anyway I think. Its a strange little quirk I have I suppose.

After I arrived at my destination in Tokyo, Ikebukuro, I somehow had to figure out where to meet David and his brother, and I wanted to crawl into a corner because of how busy it was. It is one of the busiest train stations in Tokyo, but they tend to stress me out, so I usually have my headphones in my ears to at least alleviate some of the situation.

After meeting up with the guys, the day was spent getting food, looking at fun electronic toys in Akihabara (me wishing I had money because there were so many fun things to buy and I didn't have any money to spend), getting more food and playing some videogames. It has been so long since I have played Time Crisis or any shooting game and so when they started playing one and I took a turn and all the old feelings came back. My turn ended so quickly - oh so sad.... how I miss the shooting games. We played the taiko drum game too... which I love to play, and I liked it the first time because I beat David's brother but then I played against David and he beat me. Psh. (I totally pretend I don't pay attention to the score but we all know that's all I pay attention to). Actually the last couple songs we did I couldn't pick up the rhythm at all so I just started randomly pounding and squealing and making exasperated noises. I failed.

The rest of the time was nice and I love staying in hotels... and got to see where they lived when they were younger and meet people they know and whatnot. It was a nice break. I was sad when I had to go back home. As much as I love ol' Fukuroi...

Well. What did this all have to do with goodbye. Just saying goodbye to 2008 and all that happened. Time to move on, look ahead, move forward, all that. Not in any stereotypical "New Year's goals" kind of way, but just to realize that sometimes its time to just let things go, and accept the changes to come... embrace them as essentials to growth and learning, and just, good change. So its just that time of year, to say goodbye, to myself and who I've been up until now - and say hello to everything new.

And to say goodbye for this blog entry, which has become so extensively long. Goodbye to sleeping-in too. Till next time.

Happy Holidays... and Regular Days

Wow... time flies. Where has it gone? It seems like only a few weeks ago I was spending my first days in Tokyo, completely overwhelmed and feeling akin to children on Christmas Day.

My negligence is hardly excusable - though I have been busy, I find myself too tired at the end of the day to muster up any sort of intelligent blog chatter. Not to mention the rapid deterioration of my English, as I constantly replace appropriate words with those understood in this culture, i.e. "difficult" for "hard", "correct" for "right" or "finished" instead of "done". Perhaps, my spoken English tends to be rather candid and plain, but I have spent all too much time pondering the nuances of language and communication. My sarcasm initiates confused looks on fellow teachers and students, even those teachers who are strong in English. Even things like "and stuff", though I would not dare use it in the written word, leaves so much for conversation, whereas here... even that draws a "I'm confused" response. So when you speak to me in person, do not be surprised to hear me speaking slowly, dumbing down words in a sentence as I speak, and repeating myself multiple times. Its just the nature of the beast, or some such catchphrase as that.

Shall I start with Thanksgiving? Clearly, Thanksgiving is not a holiday in Japan - though Japan has so many holidays so it doesn't bother me at all (3 day weekends are excellent!). Considering I never do anything "holidayish" or "familyish" anyway, it didn't feel different than any other year. Well, I suppose to celebrate, or perhaps poke a bit of fun at it on my part, my fellow Fukuroi ALT and I headed to KFC for a fried chicken dinner, coleslaw, etc. That wasn't quite enough so we ended up going to eat at another place not too long after. Oh, I also bought an external hard drive that evening - Happy Thanksgiving to me. Oh yes, I forgot, I also made a pumpkin pie with David when I went to visit him a few weekends ago. Also should add I made the most delicious Banana bread in my toaster oven.

The weekend after I visited David, I went back to Tokyo with one of my friends for the weekend. Honestly, I could hardly think of Seattle as a city after spending time roaming the various areas of Tokyo. Some places we visited, if interested, were Ginza, Ikebukuro, Harajuku and Akihabara. Our first stop was Tokyo station, which we didn't get sucked into like at Kyoto. We then randomly found Ginza, unintentionally, as we were searching for pizza for lunch. It would just so happen that our hard efforts to find pizza for that meal, were ironically unnecessary the rest of the weekend as we found pizza shops everywhere after that. I also discovered a cool new feature on my phone, so if I type in "pizza" or "starbucks" or something on my GPS map, it shows me all the places I can go nearby. Spiffy.

It was somewhat homey wandering around Tokyo and seeing a Starbucks quite regularly. Or Tully's. Or another coffee shop. Really, it isn't just Seattle. The nice thing is that the Starbucks are open late in Tokyo, so we had a place to sit and chill out when we were tired of walking.

Back to the districts of Tokyo, or at least the 4 we went to. Ginza is one of those posh shopping districts. Burberry, Coach, Armani, Louis Vuitton, etc. Walking around for about 20 minutes made us realize we wouldn't be able to afford anything there, so pretty much promptly left.

Ikebukuro is where we stayed the night. We visited a popular place called "Sunshine City." Plenty of shopping, somewhat more affordable, but even Gap here is twice as expensive as Gap in the U.S. Various other attractions, a terrace, etc, but we went to a "food theme park." Not sure what you think of when you think food theme park, but basically the place is like a giant maze, outfitted like something I would imagine Disneyland would resemble... Really we kept commenting on how we felt like Alice in Wonderland or something. Basically though, the "food" part of it is a bunch of vendors that sell all different kinds of things. So naturally, I wanted to visit the ice cream part of it. Of course, I chose something that looked to be lemonade in the characters, "レモネ - remone". They handed me the cup with light blue ice cream. Uh, what? Blue lemonade? Well, I figured, I'm in Japan, not really abnormal. A taste left me wondering if it was some kind of fruity bubble gum flavor, but I think that was the color deceiving me. A look in the Japanese-English dictionary on my phone told me that it was actually a flavor derived from lemonade soda pop. Ah ok, non-carbonated lemonade soda pop, now I can see it...

When wandering back towards our hotel, we were walking, and as usual I end up getting in everyone's way. Someone on a bicycle was heading towards us, me oblivious as usual, as my friend calls out my name so I can move. Well I realize it, say "Oh crap!" and run to the side, except rather stupidly, IN FRONT of the bicyclist to the OTHER side of the sidewalk. Don't ask... I really to this day have no idea why I did that instead of just stepping back.

The following day we went to Harajuku, which is known for different things, but supposedly the youngsters dressed all punk and crazy that hang out there... However, it is also well known for the, again, shopping. The street, which these outrageously expensive shops line is beautiful, but too long. I don't know how the women in heels do it. I also thought to myself how people have the money to spend on these name brands in faltering economies around the globe, because yes, Japan is in a recession also, although from what I've heard, it hasn't really been out of one for sometime. Buying Coach and Burberry must be stimulating the economy - if anything.

Akihabara is known for electronics, which on any day that I am loaded with cash, would have been a real treat. However, I was so overstimulated I went into somewhat of a comatose state for me. Next time.

The treat of my weekend was a glorious Mt. Fuji on the train ride back. See left.

Christmas is almost here - I will be going to Tokyo for a few days to see David and his brother, then either hanging out on my lonesome in Fukuroi for a whole week or perhaps getting lost somewhere in Japan - depending on how much $ I have. I only have to take three days of paid leave but with that we have two weeks off. Oh, which to explain, Japan does not celebrate Christmas as a national holiday like many other countries do. Many people do celebrate it in some way though I suppose, considering there are Christmas items everywhere and they are relentlessly advertising their "Christmas cakes." Christmas cake is a tradition in Japan - though I don't know where it came from as I have yet to hear of people having Christmas cake anywhere else... at least on a large scale basis.

On the other hand, New Year's is of course, huge here. So, the whole second week of my break is primarily for that reason. And since they don't believe in debit cards here, I have to stock up on cash beforehand.

Before I leave you to another day, I just wanted to share some of those "Kids say the darndest things" moments, er, maybe in this case it would be "learners of English"... (and I'm sure I sound equally as amusing when I speak in Japanese to native Japanese people...). We just finished up our second term so the students had final exams. I absolutely loathe this time and grading exams. I seem to lack the focus and attention to detail, and end up making more mistakes than any competent educator should. However, one section of the test was a "How do you feel" dialogue. So, someone asks how they are, they say they feel bad or sick, then are asked what is wrong, and respond with whatever their ailment is or something similar. Well... a few responses for you, but just as a precursor, I am quite proud of their creativity and attempts to think outside of the box.

B: I am not good.
A: What's the matter?
B: I am a sick.
A: I will call your mother.


B: I have a sick.
A: What's it to you?
B: I am a fever.
A: You will be sad.


B: I am sleepy and tired.
A: What's wrong.
B: I studied English last night.


Yes, it certainly breaks up the monotony of grading 200+ tests.

Well folks, I must bid farewell for now... and I'll be getting a faulty crown replaced this saturday, so, I hope I survive.

Merry Christmas and Happy New Year!!!

Not Soon Enough

‘Tis the Christmas season. Lights are up, Santa and his reindeer are graced across building tops, and Christmas music streams from store speakers as their consumers, er, I mean shoppers, busily shop. As soon as November 1st arrives, so does consumer Christmas – and I had never really thought about how Christmas affects other countries’ economies, not until now.







I’ve been quite in the Christmas spirit, as I occasionally give in to the temptation to play a Christmas song or two on my iPod while I’m lazying around my apartment. I don’t want to get sick of it too soon so I try to moderate how much I play. Yet when I visit the larger stores or train stations I am embraced by all things Christmas – trees and lights and ornaments, cute little snowmen that light up… and me oohing and ahhing over them and deciding I want this, and this, and this. Oh and a tree! I want a tree too!

I was shopping in Hamamatsu yesterday, debating whether to shell out some major yen for more warm clothes (even though really, I probably have more clothes than I need), looking at baking supplies (I finally found a spatula!) and overall enjoying the feeling of walking around department stores being materialistic. I tend to sing along with the holiday tunes under my breath, as I contemplate the religious implications they have despite being played in a very secular country. Every time I see a tree I break out into a wide grin, and I walk around smiling for what appears to be no particular reason, especially since I am alone. I suppose when you have lived a life of rather constant change and instability, something like Christmas just brings a sense of calm, and homey feelings that I don’t normally feel. It’s also the last exciting time of winter, as January through March is a long, cold, boring stretch.

Since I’ve been in such holiday spirit I decided I wanted to do something Christmasy for the English Club at my school. They’ve been having a rather uneventful time lately and I thought of a fantastic idea to liven things up – gingerbread houses! I avidly drew a sloppy picture on the board as I explained how to make a gingerbread house to the students – they watched me with questioning eyes, probably only understanding half of what I’m saying. Finally, I finished my elaborate presentation, which felt more like a persuasive argument, and finished off by offering a few more holiday ideas we could try. We took a vote and when we said gingerbread house – all their hands shot up instantly. Nothing like candy to motivate teenagers. Anywhere. Works like a charm.

I had to work Saturday as it was open school day, and after a week of locating ingredients to make the gingerbread houses, and spending a tiring 3 hours whipping up batch after batch and pouring into plastic baggies for 30 students, we finally were able to finish off my long week by putting together crackers and decorating. Needless to say, the students all had a lot of fun, gasping when their little cracker roofs collapsed because they were so selfish with their frosting, stuffing their faces with candy and trying to make perfect little houses. After we had finished they all thanked me eagerly and tried to explain (in English) how fun it was. It was the highlight of my week, or maybe I was just high on sugar…

How am I doing since I arrived in Japan – well to be honest, I lack motivation to do most everything. The only thing I feel motivated to do lately is bake or sit around and watch TV or movies. I seem to have fluctuating days of stepping out of my comfort zone and then hiding away like a hermit. Could also be the weather, as it has gotten rather cold (40s at night, 50-60s during the day) and I just sit in front of my heater most of the time. Although yesterday when I was in Hamamatsu it was a gorgeous, sunny day, probably just below 70 – felt like perfect Fall to me. I just find that I do a lot of stretching, a lot of compromising, and a lot of mental and emotional work figuring things out that I tend to need more time to hermit. Kind of like a barnacle… how they withdraw and contract when they are out of their comfort zone (or I suppose what would be their survival zone). But they instinctively know when its time to withdraw… and I think in general I have really learned how to follow my instincts so I recover and recharge well.

As I was in Hamamatsu yesterday I tried to find the Immigration office to get my reentry permit. I spent quite a bit of time walking and usually I am excellent with maps and location – however; this time I was truly confused. A police officer randomly stopped me with a “what’s up?”. I looked at him quizzically…. What did he just say? He asks me what country I’m from, I tell him America, thinking perhaps he’s going to ask me to whip out my alien card, when he said “What’s up – Hello greeting.” And I let out of a breath of relief – ooooohhhhh, what’s up…. Oh well not much, just looking for the immigration office.” (As if that was some safe way of playing it… but oh well). He gladly pointed out the way and I did the whole bowing/thanking thing and went on my way. I got lost, turned out they were wrong. I walked in some large random circle thinking I had figured it out when I found an official looking building. I saw what was a “gaikokujin corner” (foreigner corner) and wandered back that way to grab a number. I looked around the room trying to decide who I might be able to ask but everyone looked so busy so I just decided to sit and wait.

Half an hour then turned into 2 hours when some nice Brazilians sitting next to me joked about how long the wait was, after first trying to speak in Japanese to me. I told them what I was waiting for and they both gasped, told me I was in the wrong place, and couldn’t believe I had waited two hours. The woman promptly showed me to the immigration office (I don’t know if its just me but it seems that I am usually walked everywhere). Turned out the building doesn’t look official at all – it resembles more a dark gray, rusting, peeling shack in the middle of houses and apartments between these two streets that are more like alleys. It had also just closed 10 minutes ago. Looks like the re-entry permit will have to wait awhile.

Well I consoled myself with Mister Donut and arrived home to find that one of my futons had fallen into the neighbors yard below. I paced my apartment, formulating the best sentence in my head to ask if they had my futon, and apologize profusely, when a little woman knocked on the door, holding out my futon… Oh, sumimasen…

Speaking of futons – I need a new one. They seem to be quite flat now, or maybe they were but I think they are more flat now than when I first used them. They and the mosquitos contribute to sleepless nights. Mosquitos, you say? In November? The little blood-sucking monsters apparently withstand cold temperatures…or they are drawn to my apartment because I am the inhabitant. Most nights as I am drifting off to sleep I hear a whining buzz above my head, to which I groan and curse the bugs as I throw off the covers, groggily flip on the light, search for the swatter and stalk around the room, praying to find the little disturbance so I can go back to sleep. After about five-ten mintues I usually find it, kill it and return to sleep. However, two nights ago I failed to find the offender, and with the clock steadily blinking towards 12, went back to sleep. I woke up the next morning and spied it sitting on the wall, sleeping. I reached for the swatter and swiftly ended its bloody life. Unfortunately this was all too true as it splattered on the wall, (most of the time they don’t splatter blood) and realized the little sucker had gotten me somewhere. I suddenly saw a bite on my hand the size of Mt. Fuji. Not soon enough. Not soon enough.

Which is the mantra I have been saying for my upcoming weekend to Ishikawa…not soon enough. I’ve also been informed its frightfully cold, at least in Ashley cold standards. Might have to pull out the down jacket. And some of those hand warmers you shake…