Counting Change... err... Double Bagging?

Alas, my days continue to be spent wrapped up in fleece in front of a space heater at home. Setting out on any kind of adventure typically requires movement, and as such, leaves me in a state of delirium and overwhelming feelings of possibly losing whatever food I managed to eat before said adventure. Oh, motion sickness, I have not known you my entire life! You have plagued others mercilessly, and I laughed in your face. You could never take me with you motion sickness! Never!

Oh, but now, motion sickness is my close friend. I hope you are all spared from this feeling if you have yet to experience it, as it is completely miserable. We have a ten-hour flight coming up this week, so I am desperately praying I will be saved from this dark plague, if only for ten hours...

The medical mystery continues! An MRI has been scheduled Monday afternoon, and an appointment set with my American doctor in Seattle. I should note, that in order to schedule the MRI, I had to wait an hour and a half at the hospital on Friday, just to SEE the neurologist. Then, the neurologist asked two questions, and then, "when should we schedule the MRI?"

I replied, "we can't just do it today?" Thinking, I thought that is what I came here for. Couldn't we have done this over the phone?

So far, as my illness continues to puzzle everyone, doctors, in effort to save face or some such very Japanese way of thinking, they go out with their last resort diagnosis: stress, mental problems, stress, see a psychiatrist. You see, in Japan, people are expected to take the doctor's word as the final word. They are definitely not encouraged to question anything the doctor says, while in the States, questions are *usually encouraged (with exception of crazy hypochondriacs that look everything up on the internet... uh... I don't know who does that! Certainly not I!). So, if you so much as question them, or in my case, say you are going to stop taking their drugs because they aren't working, they fume and refuse to help you out with say... filling out a leave of absence form for your boss. Doctors are like gods. Listen to them! Respect them! Never question them. They know everything, after all. (Note: I don't mean anything against doctors, I have had good ones, but simply my rant on the majority of Japanese doctors I've seen here).

Anyway, so as I try to cope with this strange illness that takes me on twists and turns, faster and more ferocious than river rafting (and just as nauseating, for extreme kinds), I try to go to the store to test how well I am doing. Can I move? Can I stand? Can I last through the entire experience and make it home feeling the same as before I had left?

I went to a nearby grocery store yesterday. David was gone, throwing kids around somewhere, and so I decided I felt well enough to bike to the store, grab a few things and go home to start my cookie baking extravaganza (homemade gifts for people here). The bumpy ride proved too much, as I arrived at the store a bit green and lightheaded. I wandered around the store, throwing things in my basket, straining my eyes as I tried to keep my head stationary (to not perpetuate the motion sickness). After finding the things we needed, and feeling I was going to lose it, I shuffled to the cashiers, and went to what I thought seemed the shortest line. A man that had been in front of me was going to take my spot in that line, as I was still shuffling there, but he seemed to find that a bad decision and went into another line. I thought, YES! I have won! I get the spot! In only moments, I would realize how wrong I was.

There were only two women in front of me, and the cashier was helping the first woman already. As I waited, I started to feel light-headed and hot. Uh-oh... hot flash coming, as I started to panic. It was then I noticed that the prim woman in front of me had double-bagged all of the items in her basket. Not only the produce, which is typical to put in those plastic bags, but every single item, including things like butter or cheese (which are already wrapped or in some kind of container!). I was shocked. This woman was the epitome of the environment's Antichrist. She obsessively double-checked all her items, and then twisted a plastic bag full of plastic bags into a knot, patting it three times and situating it delicately in her giant plastic pile. My heart felt as if it had been stabbed - all that work to be environmentally conscious and utilize the three R's, felt as if it was being canceled out by this woman and her plastic-mongering.

As the moments wore on, I felt weaker, hotter, and more lightheaded. The cashier finished with the first woman and moved on to plastic-hoarding woman. To aggravate me even more, she handed her items to the cashier ONE by ONE. Usually the cashier handles things themselves, as in the States. But NO, this woman would pick through her basket, hand the cashier the items in some order she needed them to be, saying "Thanks" with each one. To let out my frustration, and my anxiety over the fact I might pass out any minute and wasn't sure what to do about that since people were pushing up against me from behind, I sighed loudly, "Oh my GOSH." No one noticed. They usually don't, since they don't understand.

Finally the woman finished and took ten minutes to count out her exact change. At that point, I couldn't even move my head as it aggravated the lightheadedness even more. Thus, I couldn't look at the cashier when she told me the amount and when I handed her the change. I probably looked like I had a broken neck or something. Then, out of the corner of my eye, plastic woman proceeded to bag her plastic piles in what else, more plastic. At this point I hurried to the bathroom though, before I blacked out.

Suffice to say, I made it home, though felt miserable most of the rest of the day. Today is cookie-baking day so I must tend to that now. Oh, and packing.

Has been a pleasure, and please remember the moral of the story: reduce, reuse, recycle! Resist the urge to double bag every item you purchase in plastic. You too, can prevent global warming! Oh wait, that is the forest fire slogan isn't it. Well, you get the idea.

Oh Random Japan...

I thought I would take a few moments to share some random pictures I've taken since being here but haven't posted. (Note: all pictures taken on my iPhone)

This is a typical vending machine you might see around Japan. Drinks are common, but so are cigarettes, ice cream, and hot food like this. I tried some fries from it. They were terrible.










This is a box that travels around the hospital on a track on the ceiling. Much like trains, Thomas the tank engine, etc. It generally carries important documents I think, such as patient records. It's beyond me why they aren't afraid someone could just jump up and grab the thing. Or shoot it with a laser gun. Or swipe it with a samurai sword. (I watched G.I. Joe last night, ok).

A sign on an ice machine or something at a grocery store. I took it to mean, "no pigs shall stand on cows" but David ruined that idea by telling me what it really means. Essentially, these people just have issues laying out pictures in a word processor.

  This is the first rickshaw I've seen in Japan. The guy is posing for a picture, he's not really just slacking off.

There were three pathetic looking dogs in that little buggy. I especially like the expression on the old guy's face.















We can't get a real cat yet. So we have various non-real kitties around the apartment. These ones are obsessed with the birds in the picture.

The Blue Toe Strikes Back

Here I am again, sitting around at home with my heater and new MacBook Pro... mindlessly surfing the internet, reading the news, reading food blogs, convincing myself to actually write something...

I just started a writing workshop - mostly in hopes to motivate myself to sit and write consistently again, and also hone my skills. It has been over a year since I finished school, and I can tell my writing skills have slowly transcended into sub-par. Not that they were brilliant before or anything - it is more like, I write like I talk to the majority of people in Japan, (well in English anyway) slowly, simply, never actually using complete sentences. Do we really use complete sentences when we speak anyway? I'm starting to think we don't much of the time... Especially since when I try to use complete sentences in Japanese, I always get cut off and can never actually practice making sentences in Japanese that I so desperately need to practice. Alas.

After many miserable efforts trying to find a helpful doctor, I finally saw a man who speaks English. He, of course, wanted to test for anemia and all the other things that I have been tested for numerous times, but I pressed him to check my nose. He agreed, pulled out a strange-looking instrument and slid it up one nostril, tilting my head back. Then:

"This side is very inflamed..." He pulls out of that nostril and into the next.

"This side has more inflammation."

I suddenly have a feeling of relief. Finally, someone sees that my sinuses are having issues. I ask him if this is part of the problem. He seems to nod, perhaps slightly disgruntled that I beat him to this point. He proceeds to prescribe me an anti-inflammatory plus allergy medication. He says he is worried that I have an infection since I had a fever of, 98.7. (I biked to the doctor's office in a down jacket. I told the nurses and him that, but they didn't believe that would indeed raise my temperature to what is considered an average body temperature). I asked for non-drowsy drugs; he replied that the drowsy kind is better.

"Do you feel drowsy with that medication?" he asked.

"I don't do well on drowsy drugs. In fact, I seem to have more issues."

He smiled slightly, probably thinking I am a crazy hypochondriac, and said that was all for today, come back in four days.

I reluctantly filled my prescription and headed home. That evening, after taking my meds and getting ready for bed, I started laughing hysterically and found myself too weak to stand on my own. (It's also possible that I was yammering silly, unconnected thoughts, but that is only rumor at this point.)

As a result, my head did start feeling better after the weekend. However, due to being drugged and having a slight issue focusing on what I'm doing, I had a bicycle accident Saturday. David and I were just riding down the street to a local yakiniku restaurant, and there I ran into a curb, ended up with 3 giant bruises and bruised the very same toe I seriously injured last year. Then, as I hobbled around the next day, I worsened the sciatica I seemed to have obtained recently. So though my head has been getting better, I have been left unable to walk. As they say, when it rains, it pours. Although in my case I feel it is more of a typhoon.

So here I am, at home, for over three weeks now, bored. I am getting excited for Christmas though, I can't wait to take a vacation!

Anything else? No, I don't believe so, not unless you want to hear all about the news in the world, what is hot in the food blogging world, or about the latest television show mishaps. It sounds pathetic, and believe me, dear reader, it is.

My Own Medical (Drama) Show

Apparently, social networking sites like Twitter or even public blogs seem to instigate make-the-customer-happy compensation. Such was the case for this couple. So, perhaps I may also dare to use this posting as an extortion to...well, read on. Oh, never fear reader, this should hopefully be amusing to you, in any case.

Let's start with the medical industry in Japan this country I live in that shall remain nameless. A few weeks ago, you remember, I was rather sick. Before that, I actually had an incident where I nearly passed out at school. They carried me to the nurse's room in a gurney... and the vice-principal kept patting my face and asking (in Japanese) if I could see her, and if I was ok. Of course I'm not ok... I'm laying on the floor in the staff room. What other time would I choose to lay on the floor in any place but my home? I digress.

Since this episode and my sickness, whatever it was... I have been hardly able to return to work. Standing is a chore, walking is like a cross country race, even moving my head around seems to emulate a feeling akin to those amusement park rides that spin you around and wave you up and down... like a cat playing with a mouse or other small rodent of choice. So, David took me to the hospital this week, and after a million tests, pertaining to my heart, all was deemed normal and they suggested that perhaps I am under stress. I was actually feeling fantastic before all this began, better than all of last year, so I wasn't sure how to respond to that. Stress?! Do you want to see stress, buddy?!?! I'll show you what this stressed-out woman looks like!!! I merely avoided eye-contact, looking at David as I started to cry, since once again, an unsolvable problem by doctors. Surprise, surprise. I should at least be thankful they were able to figure out that my UTI was indeed a UTI a few months ago. Kudos, bladder doctor guy, you have solved infinitely more than any other medical professional I have seen since coming here.

The cardiologist recommended seeing an ear/nose doctor. We went the next day, despite me swaying back and forth when I walked and not being able to keep my head straight most of the time. The man looked in my ears, gave me a hearing test, then had me lay on the patient bed and held these ridiculous-looking goggles up to my eyes and him and the nurse moved my body around while examining my eyes. Of course, this didn't really make me lightheaded any more than I was... and the doctor decided I must be fine since nothing happened. However, they weren't really moving me very fast and they were both supporting me so it wasn't exactly what I would be doing on my own. Plus, they didn't really look at my eyes after they made me put my head upside down over the edge of the bed. He started talking to David (in Japanese) and I suddenly hear "psychiatry." I turn, make eye contact with David, (I had been staring off into space only a moment ago due to my lightheadedness) and glared. David, of course, knew I had understood this small bit, the bit that I would have been better off not understanding, as this doctor apparently thought I was a nut-case. He asked me if I was stressed, to which I said no... all the while thinking about the fact of these doctors asking if I'm stressed, makes me stressed. It must be a common diagnosis. Oh, you are coughing up blood today? You must be stressed.

That's the end of that saga for now. Will I make it to work Monday? Will I collapse on the train and cause train delays prefecture-wide? To be continued.

Sick in Sunshine

Ah, sitting here in the living room in my camping chair with a cup of hot green tea... enjoying the beautiful sunshine and warmth, with a box of tissues at the ready. Yes...I am sick, but so far haven't been swined yet. Probably just a cold, but then again, who knows when it comes to me and my illnesses...

It has been such a long time since I last blogged about the recent happenings, and I realized that I needed an entirely new focus. No more "goodbye" in the title most certainly, and I needed to find a way to rediscover my own writing. Not only that, but to be more transparent about the goings-on in my life... not that I haven't been transparent, in fact you all have read about the various embarrassing and crazy experiences I have had the past year and few months. This brings me to the tentative title for now, "Untethered." This word kept coming back to mind, so I figured, why not. Should I feel held back with my words? To some extent I suppose, don't need to let everything just flap out and around openly like underwear on a clothesline... but just to find some new step in my written thoughts.

So, on to other things!

I have had many things to write about in the past couple months but just haven't brought myself to write about them yet. Most recently, David and I went on a fun weekend trip to the Izu peninsula of Shizuoka, where we did archery in the crater of a volcano for an hour. Spent some time walking around the perimeter of the crater, taking pictures, admiring the view, dodging between the many Japanese visitors... After that we headed to our hotel in a city called Kawazu, akin to a small beach/hills town. After walking to our hotel, I became a bit wary by the warehouse look of it from the outside; however, once we went closer, there were lots of beautiful shrubbery and plants and inside was very quaint, and more western than Japanese. Of course, being a small town, it shuts down early and we didn't really find much in the way of dinner, but enjoyed the onsen at the hotel.

The next morning, we caught a bus and went to Nanadaru (Seven Waterfalls) that I went to last fall with a friend of mine. We enjoyed the short hike (except for all the stairs) and the outdoor, co-ed (bathing suits required) onsen. It was such a beautiful, warm, sunny day and we enjoyed it. All in all, it was a fun, relaxing trip, and we spent the holiday Monday relaxing at home before school started again.

Work is going well for the most part. It's nice to have some idea of what I'm doing as opposed to last year. I don't feel like I'm constantly floundering around and wondering what's going on (although that still happens on a regular basis). We had a meeting for an upcoming seminar among ALTs (Assistant Language Teachers) and someone asked what we do when the teachers suddenly all disappear from the room and we are left alone. Of course, some us laughed and mumbled we just sit there and pretend we have no idea so we don't have to do anything. I made a comment about learning to read the board and notes they write, as well as the calendar, so I know what is going on, in case it is something important. I was a bit shocked to find that most people (aside those that can read and know Japanese well) don't really try to read things. Or the fact that I seem to be one of the few ALTs in the prefecture who knows you can request redelivery of packages online... (saves the calling and dealing with the whole Japanese thing plus formalities which take forever to figure out and understand). I told David about these things, and he suggested that most people don't try to figure things out as much as I do. "But why???" I asked, finding this idea completely ridiculous. David shrugs, "they don't mind asking for help, they don't care, or it isn't that important to them."

This got me thinking about how I have been since arriving in Japan. I have learned to read things rather quickly, so I don't have to ask people for help all the time or rely on others as much. Granted, I still have to, more often than I'd like, but the fact that I have been forced to rely on others has in turn forced me to learn to read kanji very quickly. Or learn the Japanese I need to communicate in daily events. Such as getting a haircut. I'm still learning that one, since I know simple things like "I want a haircut" and how to say length, bangs, layers, etc... but as I remembered today, getting a haircut, there is still much I have yet to learn. The man cutting my hair last weekend commented "your hair so soft!" and other things about what he wanted to do with my hair that I had no idea what he was saying. He did hand motions and said "just this? is this ok?" and of course I still wasn't sure what he said before that so I sit stupidly saying "uhhhhh" trying to figure out what I should say before going to my default "yes" in Japanese. Which seems to be my most common phrase. Other than thank you.

I also somehow navigated picking up a prescription for allergy medicine too... they asked me something about where I live or am living, but it was probably more formal than I'm used to and wasn't sure what to say. Eventually they just took my alien card and wrote my address down. Yes, I could have done that, if only I knew that's what they wanted. Surprisingly, out of everything they said, I understood the directions the guy told me for how to work my nasal spray (that I've used in the States). I think they were surprised I looked liked I understood.

While we are on the Japanese topic, I'm not sure if I've mentioned this before, but Japan is obsessed with face masks. People wear them ALL the time it seems. Especially during this swine flu outbreak, or allergy season, everywhere you go people have got masks on. Obviously, in the U.S. masks aren't exactly popular, so even if I have a cold I don't wear a mask. However, when I went to the doctor last night (to make sure I didn't have the swine) they made me wear a mask after confirming my fever. So I'm sitting there trying not to get dizzy as I'm breathing my own air. David shows up after running to the grocery store, since I was a complete invalid, and laughed as soon as he saw me with my stylish mask. I honestly don't know how people here can wear masks all day, especially those that work in the medical industry, but even my coworkers are all wearing masks since some students have come down with H1N1. Just one of those things I suppose.

Oh, but please don't worry, my fever went down last night after our yummy homemade salmon chowder dinner. David and I have come up with a theory that my body seems to pull itself together when he's around, like he has some kind of healing effect on me. It's untested at this stage, merely derived from past observations. Ironically, I seem to feel ten times worse when I go to school.

Well anyway, for now I'm enjoying sick days at home. Unfortunately, not sure if I will still be able to have a Halloween party with my third year students tomorrow, and probably shouldn't make them cookies like I wanted to, so I don't go to class next week and suddenly mark half of the class absent....

This comes to an end now, but I am going to try and update more often. It's part of my resolve to become a more disciplined writer. (Then these posts won't always be so long either... )

A Year to Home

Finally, a morning without shrieking cicadas… I found myself in a deep, peaceful sleep, which is typically quite rare for me, only to suddenly awake (at 5 am) to a forcibly shaking bedroom. I sat up quickly and gasped “oh my gosh!”, knowing it was an earthquake but completely startled out of my nice, deep sleep. David, who has amazed me these past two weeks with his ability to think ahead of me and my reactions, quickly grabbed me and repeated “it’s ok, it’s ok…”

Of course, it was just an earthquake, a 6.4 earthquake, and only a few small things tipped over or got shuffled about, so really any freaking out was truly unwarranted. I suppose my anticipation of it becoming larger and more intense, the building falling over, the roof collapsing in on us, the ground opening up and swallowing us, just took over any rational thought of “it’s just an earthquake.” And yes, I do come from the Pacific Northwest, and have felt a couple small earthquakes in my lifetime, but Japan is on four fault lines, so it’s not surprising I’ve already experienced a few just in the past year.

I was thankful this morning though, as the wind howled and rain continued to fall after we went back to sleep, that the cicadas were finally silenced. These small beasts seem to take over during this time of the year, and their high-pitched cries are enough to drive me mad, especially in the early morning when I’m trying to sleep. Each time their little shrieking sounds wake me up, I think to myself, “now, why doesn’t someone invent some kind of gun or weapon to shoot down cicadas from the trees? People invent all kinds of useless things and yet no one has come up with this? I would surely buy one…”

Following our earthquake, as I biked to the station to get to school (I can either bike 4 miles, or bike, catch a train and then a bus to school; today I chose the latter). However, the trains were shut down due to the earthquake and a massive crowd of people was hanging around waiting. After a quick call to David, decided to try and make the bus from the train station I would have gone to. So I bike there, only to arrive a minute too late, and as sweat poured and slithered down my face and back and everywhere else really, I gritted my teeth and pedaled onward to school. Amusingly, I ended up basically racing the bus (that I would have been sitting in, with A/C) and arrived at school the same time it would have dropped me off. Unfortunately, work proceeded as normal today, so no…. earthquake day? Sad.

My transportation drama to school actually began yesterday, the first day back to work for David and I. I decided to bike to the train station, only to miss the train. Call David, decide to take a taxi from the station I’m going to, but after arriving I realized my bus had not left yet. At least that saga ended well.

The humidity is still pretty high, although it has been slightly more comfortable than June and July, emphasizing slight. David and I enjoyed the much drier air in Guam; although Guam is humid, it alternates often so it doesn’t seem as humid as Japan (which is basically constant in the summer).

Guam, Guam… where to start… my first time back to the US (technically speaking) in a year. I was incredibly excited to use English again in everyday life before we left, although after a few days of being there, I realized how incompetent I felt using my native language. Of course, I use English often; I talk to David and friends and teachers and many students in English (although half of it ends up being slower, more simple English), but I’ve adjusted to using Japanese in every day life. Sometimes I am incapable of completely getting my point across, but after a year, I have made steady progress and feel more competent using it than before. Although to clarify, I still feel incompetent most of the time, like a toddler speaking Japanese. I smile and laugh when I hear children using their Japanese, thinking it sounds cute, and then realize I probably sound like them, but probably not as cute.


So I found myself stumbling through words in Guam, not even capable of ordering ice cream. “Uh…. Can I…. uh…. I would like….wait…. uuuummmmm….. can I get….” “ please?” Then proceeded to say please with every answer I gave them to every other question they asked. I felt like one of my students, regurgitating some textbook English to communicate properly. What happened? Why can’t I speak? I speculated to David over the course of our trip.

Finally I realized, that before coming to Japan, since I never spent much time in any foreign country, I never really spent much time speaking anything other than English, especially in every day life. I never thought about what I said, since for every day things, it was just automatic. Go to a restaurant or to get a haircut or anything like that… you just say things. In Japan, I have to think about what I’m saying a good majority of the time. My conclusion is that due to having to think so much about how to communicate in every day life, I don’t know HOW I used to do anything in English because I never thought about it. Since I never thought about it, I don’t remember how I used to do it. This realization only leads me to wonder what going back to Seattle will be like… especially since even in Guam, there were so many Japanese tourists and we still heard Japanese around us quite often. Or read it. It was everywhere. Like Japan came to the U.S. or something. Just rowed it’s islands across the Pacific and connected itself by expansive bridges. Or implanted itself smack dab in Alaska (well it would have to fit somewhere). Anyway.

We ate lots of non-Japanese food, did lots of duty-free shopping in American stores (K-mart was frequented often) that actually have things in our sizes, bought stuff for our apartment, and went through about 2 large bags of peanut butter M&Ms. We had to buy another bag of them before we left… and David, using that smart brain of his, bought another huge duffel bag for us to load up with all this stuff we bought to bring back to Japan.

We also went to see Transformers (since it was cheap), laid on the beach or by the pool (when it wasn’t raining which happened a lot – darn you rainy season) and went kayaking. All in all, it was a nice vacation/honeymoon, but we were both happy to come back to Japan.

We came back last Wednesday but I had to go back to Tokyo again on Saturday for the dentist. I felt so nostalgic as I went on errands around that extremely large city, remembering my first days in Japan just over a year ago. Surprising in some ways it has already been a year, and yet in other ways it was long. I find it interesting that though I am often out of my comfort zone, this discomfort has in and of itself become a comfort zone for me. The fact that I feel incompetent and always have to figure things out or constantly learning new things is some kind of new and strange comfort zone that feels like home. David and I talked about those thoughts this week, what it feels like to be back in Japan after vacation, how it felt like coming home. Of course, for David, Japan always is technically home, but for me it seems like it has become a second home… given the transition from my life in Washington to Japan, and almost entirely severing so many of the ties that held me there. David mentioned that with all that has happened here it probably does make it more like home, and it makes sense, because I’ve created ties here, with people, both foreign and Japanese, I got engaged and married here, and so much has happened and continues to happen that has tied me to this place now. Even if one day I am not living in Japan anymore, it will always be a certain, special place to me, just like Washington.

As a child, whenever my family went on road trips to Montana, I remember the sense of home I felt every time we came through those mountains and back through Seattle to Bellingham, it was just home. Now those feelings have slightly changed, and though still there, it’s as if coming back to Japan this past week made me feel the same way I felt as a child driving into Washington and Bellingham again. Staring out the window and seeing all that is familiar and yet unknown, I’d think to myself, I’m home.

Bittersweet Goodbyes...

I suppose this blog title will work quite well one last time - I should get around to changing it sooner or later.

Goodbye? What? Yes, saturday was my last day at Fukuroi High School. When in months past I have been hoping and praying for this day to come, as it signified being able to finally live with my husband, the past few weeks have hit me like rainstorm (how fitting in the rainy season) sleeting down and taking over.

Of course, this is not to say I am very excited to have David finally here, and start our new life in Shimada... and also excited to meet all the wonderful students at our new schools - it is just saying goodbye that can be difficult sometimes.

After practicing my speech in Japanese for a few days, and feeling incredibly nervous about it, the term-ending/farewell ceremony was held Saturday morning. The principal said a few words (about me getting married, etc) and then I walked up to the mike, praying my crazy butterflies to go away, my heart to stop racing. All in all, I managed the speech just fine, no tears shed since I didn't understand half of what I was saying, and then a student presented me with pink flowers as everyone clapped, and the students all returning my wide grin (of affection).

The rest of the morning I spent walking around and saying goodbye to all the students, to which I received cheers when I walked in their classrooms and various questions like "Is David Japanese?", "When will you have baby?" and many "I love you!", "Congratulations!", "We won't forget you!" and of course, girls wanting pictures with me. Every time I said goodbye during that last bit of time just kept cutting deeper and deeper, bringing me to the reality that I was actually leaving these students... Of course Shimada isn't far and I can come back and visit, I think there was just a lot influencing my feelings about all this.

I haven't received a lot of recognition this year, which I've heard isn't uncommon. Not that I do things for recognition, but to realize now, that I actually did my job well, when the whole time I was questioning most of what I was doing, wondering if it was good enough or not, hoping my students were learning and understanding, etc. I got all the confirmation I needed in the past week, with teachers telling me they enjoyed our classes together the most (team-teaching English classes) and that they will miss me and wish I didn't have to go. I was pretty aghast at this, so many people teach better than me I think, but I do try to make things interesting and enjoyable as much as possible...

And then, recognition from the students, realizing that my presence was important to them, even if some relationships were quite superficial. It reminded me of my relationships with youth and children back in the U.S., and how so often they work and blossom without deep conversations all the time, kids just like presence and knowing someone is there and loves them, has boundaries for them, makes them feel safe. So in that, even though my Japanese is still at a basic level (but has definitely improved a lot since being here) my relationships with the students still were able to grow and become something meaningful. I feel incredibly blessed in that.

One girl in particular, who's english is quite good (conversational), immediately connected to me in the beginning and our relationship has really been a bright spot in my life over the year. These things all remind me of the things I was made to do and what I'm good at, what just happens whether I'm aware of it or not.

So as I walked away from school mid-afternoon, being stopped by students on the way out, more "I love you"s and "I'm so sad"s, tears started escaping my eyes and I found my voice cracking finally, knowing full well I was about to burst open. Finally, as I was about to leave the driveway, the entire boy's soccer team turned from the field across the way, raised their hands in the air and started waving and calling "Ashurii! Ashurii!" and yelling "I love you!" (I seem to get "I love you" more from boys than girls, girls tend to say I'm cute...). So I gave a big wave one last time, as I let the tears fall, and eventually pulled myself away and walked home.

I'm gonna miss these kids...

Now, time to pack and clean, take care of last minute details, visit my new school on Wednesday, and wait for my husband to finally get here Friday, so we can move this weekend. Yes, time for a new chapter to start.