From Old to New

These days, I don't feel like myself. Maybe that is the point.

My health issues have constantly plagued me, engaging me in some kind of internal battle on a daily basis. Some days, I win; but more often than not, the issues win. Fatigue, low-energy, and various other ailments I have had the past two years. So far, with all the doctors and supposed "experts" I have seen, nothing has been resolved. I thought to just ignore it for the time being when I got to Japan - to figure out what to do later. It seems that ignoring it was a bad idea, as I have felt so much worse since I arrived.

About a week ago, I was feeling particularly bad, with intense off-and-on abdominal pain, in my liver area. Of course, since I have had Hepatitis A, I became quite worried about it and for about 24 hours watched my fat intake just in case. My eyes were also looking kind of funny the few days before that and so I was hoping I wasn't getting jaundice or something again. Well, then Saturday evening, as I'm typing away on IM to David as usual, suddenly I became incredibly light-headed. I had an urge to vomit almost, so I ran to the bathroom. Nothing happened, but my body started shaking uncontrollably and a wave of icy coldness overcame me. I stumbled back to my computer to tell David I wasn't feeling well all of the sudden... and was growing worse by the second. I was panicking, not knowing what was happening or what I should do, and David was afraid I might suddenly pass out, so he helpfully began calling people I knew that might be able to take me to the hospital... well this to no avail at that point in time so I tried my sempai (another ALT who kind of "looks after" new ALTs). I knew she had a car so I thought it might work, and sure enough she answered immediately and said she would come get me after she picked up her car (she had gone to Tokyo that day).

Well while I was sitting there waiting, and David checking to make sure I hadn't passed out, I thought what if my blood sugar is low, and proceeded to drink 3/4 carton of apple juice. I started to feel a bit better, and when my sempai picked me up she gave me a lollipop, which revived me quite quickly... though I was still having abdominal pain.

We go to the hospital in Fukuroi, where they tell us to go to another hospital in the city next to Fukuroi. So we headed there and waited for about an hour or so in the waiting room. Of course, I ended up having to call David so he could talk to the reception guys, since they didn't seem to understand me even though I kept pointing to my abdomen and telling them (in Japanese) that I had pain there.

When we finally saw the ER doctor, he briefly tapped my abdomen and then ordered a CT scan. I was surprised that was all he did...

I'm no stranger to CT scans since I've had one before, and I really don't enjoy them, but it turned out better than I thought because they didn't have to give me the imaging fluid I had in the states. After waiting for awhile, again, the doctor called us in and pointed out everything on my scan was normal. Then he pointed to my intestines and said "constipation" and my sempai, started cracking up hysterically... Of course I am trying to keep a straight face, and since I also knew the pain I was having was not constipation since I know what that feels like (and please, I'm sure you all do). Then he said "very much stool, very much stool" and kept repeating it, as my sempai is laughing her head off and says "Ashley, all you need to do is take a crap..." to which of course I had to laugh, so I'm trying to tell the doctor my pain isn't constipation while I'm laughing, my sempai is laughing, and he continues to repeat "very much stool."

Finally I asked to have a blood test done when I told him about my drastic blood sugar crash that evening. They took my blood, and we waited, again, for quite some time. As we were waiting, the receptionist guys started saying something about my supervisor coming, but I wasn't sure if they were asking me if that was ok or telling me. I said no, she didn't need to come, but again they didn't understand my Japanese I think. We heard clicking heels from around the corner and knew she had arrived. She probably thought I was dying and I really didn't want to worry her...

So then the doctor explained to all of us, that all my blood tests were normal. He said my blood sugar levels were normal, though I pointed out I had just drank a 3/4 carton of apple juice, a vitamin water, and eaten a lollipop. He seemed to think that didn't matter even though, of course it does. So then I dropped that, since I knew I wouldn't get anywhere with it, and instead starting talking about all my prior issues and what's been wrong with me (since my supervisor was there to translate). However, this ended up with me in tears as he kept saying nothing was wrong, and I even pointed out that I have not been able to gain weight in 2 years... to which they both thought that meant I wanted to get fat. "You want to get fat?" "No, I want to know that I can weight if I tried." "So, you want to get fat?" "NO. I want to be able to gain weight." "So you want to get fat?" ..............

The doctor then explained that my fat level is perfectly normal for the average, 23-year-old, Japanese woman. My lip curled up ever so slightly as I responded... "but I'm not Japanese..." This did not seem to phase the man at all, so I pulled the sleeve of my arm up to reveal my bony wrist, waving it in the air as I exclaimed "look at how bony my wrist is! Look! Look!" Again, no expression crossed his face as he replied "Ok, ok." (meaning, it is ok, normal, fine, why am I waving my arm around frantically...) At this point I was near tears, exhausted and exasperated by the entire night, so I jumped up and flipped down the waist band to my pants (which I think shocked both my supervisor and the doctor), pointed to my hips, (which are also quite bony, and jut out as if to try and convince, at least Americans, that I am near anorexic), and said "LOOK! Look at my hips! Do you see how bony they are?" Again, he calmly reassured me I was fine. I slowly sat down again, crying because my abnormalities were not apparent to this supposed expert. He finally asked, (as I am trying to stop crying) if I wanted a laxative to take home, to which I responded with a resounding no. Probably more than anything to protest his diagnosis. He then proceeded to ask the same question 3 times, to which my "no" became stronger and more defiant. I realize it was somewhat juvenile, it was just a laxative after all... but I am not a big fan of them anyway since they can mess up your system, and mine is already having issues.

I visited a doctor this past week after the ER, who supposedly specialized in internal medicine. When I arrived however, and gave her my extensive explanation of all my issues and all the things I had done to figure out what was wrong the past 2 years, she told me she was a Cardiologist and really wasn't sure what was wrong. She mentioned something about a skin issue, although I'm not sure where that came from since I am not having any skin issues. To her credit, she's a very nice lady and tried her best to help me, I actually ended up taking home a bag of hatsuga genmai (sprouted brown rice) for free when I saw her last time. She claimed it worked miracles for her when she has had problems before (though nothing like what I was talking about). Then I realized later at home the brown rice I had been eating WAS hatsuga genmai - it is the only kind of brown rice I can find at the store. It has some special amino acid in it: GABA. The doctor had explained GABA has anti-stress effects; it is very calming - but in my preliminary research I have found that this anti-stress effect is actually more of a sedative... Considering I'm tired all the time, not sure how great that is for me...

With these things, and other things that have been happening, I've recently realized how much I am struggling to figure out this new self and new life, as opposed to being my old self in my old life. Just with life changes, normal adjustments, particularly in a completely different place, is really forcing me to come to terms with these things and at the same time, bringing up things on a more magnified scale for me to address. They can be easier to ignore when they are the norm in every aspect of your life, including your relationships with others, but in a completely different life, you realize they aren't a norm. I realize it is a bit vague, but it could be different for everyone, maybe tendencies or habits you have, how you react to others and what they do, how you make decisions, or how much or little you function on feelings/emotions or rational thought.

In other news, the school year has ended here at Fukuroi High School. We are now on spring break so I try to keep myself entertained at work. The new school year, and seeing all those bright and shiny faces of new students, will begin April 7th. This weekend I'm meeting David in Tokyo for a few days, to take care of various things, and the cherry blossoms are all out and about now so if I actually remember to bring my camera, I will take pictures. We don't seem to have any blossomy trees in my city so things still look a bit lifeless, although some things have been blooming... and yes, the bugs are back. In fact I've already killed two mosquitoes in my apartment just this weekend (what with our 70 degree weather...). Of course now it went back to low 60's... and supposed to be in the 50's this week, but at least I'm not in freezing cold Washington.

Anyway, so, no I don't feel as much like myself. I'm somewhere between an old self and a new self, with of course, real parts of myself intact somewhere within. Though it feels stressful and at times discrepant, like I said, maybe that's a good thing.